When it comes to Valentine’s Day, you’d be hard-pressed to name any animated TV specials which have become traditional staples. Even the ever-dependable Peanuts gang’s Be My Valentine, Charlie Brown has fallen into something resembling pop culture obscurity (and the less said about 2002’s A Charlie Brown Valentine, the better). Did you even know there was a Family Circus V-day special? I’ve seen it multiple times, and I literally can’t remember anything except a song they sang on a bus or something. What about Winnie the Pooh: A Valentine for You? That one’s fucking weird, and again, I can’t recall much about it except for something about Christopher Robin having a crush on a girl, and there were fireflies or something, and I think one of them even died and had a firefly funeral (oh wait, that was The Princess and the Frog).

So if I were to tell you The Berenstain Bears had their own Valentine’s Day escapade, would you even believe me? Well, probably, since it’s the subject of this header, but there’s a very good chance you had no idea this even existed. The Berenstain Bears’ Comic Valentine–which is not an awkward title at all–premiered in 1982, and is actually the fourth holiday special for the furry family. It’s also, like it or not, told almost entirely in rhyme, to the point where it becomes jarring whenever they don’t do that.

I’d tell you what the main plotline is…except I’m actually not sure what it is. Comic Valentine is surprisingly busy in its many comical valentine ways, with at least four–maybe five–separate subplots happening at once. Think of it as the inspiration for Valentine’s Day (2010). First, Brother Bear has a stalker sending him cryptic messages. No matter where he goes, he keeps getting “special greetings” from a “secret admirer” all over town. Think of it as the inspiration for Valentine (2001). Despite how terrifying it would be for this to happen to a child, Sister Bear thinks it’s adorable, because Sister is a little psycho who has also been watching too much Game of Thrones lately. But really, why the hell does she do this?

There’s also a hockey game plot. Brother Bear is on a hockey team, which is a huge deal for the town, because if there’s one thing everyone is obsessed with, it’s elementary schoolers playing hockey. His team’s big adversary is the “Beartown Bullies”–and wait, who the fuck named that team? What school do they go to? Bully Academy? Is that where Butch the Bully from Cool Cat Saves the Kids graduated from? Anyway, there’s also Papa Bear wanting to give Mama Bear a special Valentine worthy of his love for her, but since he’s Papa Bear, he nearly gets himself killed in the process. More than once. Like how is this man still alive? How do you cheat death when trying to make a goddamn Valentine?

Then there’s the business with Bigpaw, the town’s resident nudist who is secluded to a cave because Bear Country isn’t that progressive just yet. For those unfamiliar with him, Bigpaw is absolutely massive and presumably has a sausage to match. Sister wants to give him a Valentine since even freaks of nature deserve love, or maybe she just wants to exploit his vulnerability by humiliating him in public because he insists on going around naked, but ultimately, that’s really on him. Bigpaw ends up going to the aforementioned hockey game, and we have to assume he stinks up the place since he’s most likely never in his life bathed or found a stick of deodorant large enough to accommodate his huge armpits. Gross.

As a kid, I had never even heard of this thing. I had several Berenstain Bears videos, but this one must’ve not turned up at my local Blockbuster. And I appear to not be alone in that regard. Comic Valentine only has 75 ratings on IMDB (but hey, it’s a 7.5, so at least it has fans), and I think the book adaptation–titled FUNNY Valentine for whatever reason–possibly got more traction than the actual special. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve chosen this so-called “1982 broadcast” with the “original commercials,” except the uploader is lying. Many of the ads included here are from decades later, but hey, commercials are commercials, so I still like them.

Have a comic night, y’all!