A decade ago, when I was a younger, more naive Scrat, I ventured into a Dollar General, and went straight to the DVD section, as I always did (do those stores even have DVD racks anymore?). At that was when I found it: in one of those crappy envelopes (you know the ones), for only one dollar, was a cartoon called Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever. I thought “well, what the heck, it’s only a buck” and purchased it along with my cough drops.

But then when I got online, I tried Googling “Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever” to get a taste of what I had just blindly purchased…and that was when my journey down the rabbit hole began. Or, it would have if Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever even had a rabbit hole to enter. You see, back in 2015, it had no IMDB page. In fact, it had basically nothing. All I could really find was this random trailer for it, and I wasn’t even sure where that originated from. Just what the fuck had I bought?

Even the “1998” date on that trailer is confusing, since I’m not entirely sure when the hell this…thing came out. Some sources claim 1999. The Christmas special itself is copyrighted “2000” during the end credits, but I don’t think it came out then either. No, from what I can gather, Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever didn’t reveal itself to the public until 2006. Also, while this preview advertises a VHS release, I can’t find any evidence of that actually existing. And yes, I have looked. A lot.

But that’s not the only thing I can’t find any evidence of. You see, Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever is allegedly based on a book. There’s even a photo of Jane Seymore (yes, she’s in this, but more on that later) on the back of the DVD case holding what appears to be the book. But this is just Roxanne trying to gaslight you. This book doesn’t fucking exist! I can’t find anything–and I mean ANYTHING–on it. What the fuck.

So who made this thing? That is, you guessed it, confusing. While Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever does finally have an IMDB page, it has no information whatsoever on its creation. And it isn’t on Wikipedia! It’s produced by something called “Elephant Productions,” and when I Googled them, all I found was this video production website, and I’m 99.9% certain it isn’t the same company. No, it seems “Elephant Productions” was created specifically for the purpose of this special, and only this special. The director? Only ever did this. The writer (who also wrote the “book”)? Only ever did this thing. The credited producers? Only this. WHY THE FUCK DOES THIS CARTOON EXIST??? AND HOW???

The only credible information I can find is the animation was handled by Jade Animation, a studio which had done work on various cartoon shows from Disney and Warner Bros. back in the 90s and early 2000s. Not that you’re going to look at this thing and think “boy, that sure looks like Disney-quality animation!”, since Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever kind of looks like crap. Okay, that’s not nice. I’ll just say it looks “cheap.” It’s clear this thing had a small budget, but it also seems like it was made by aliens who have no idea what Christmas is, much like the aliens who recently made Ella McCay.

Okay, time to actually talk about the cartoon itself, since I can’t really tell you anything about where it came from, why it was made, or if it was some random person’s passion project/money laundering scheme. So, what is Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever even about? Well, why don’t we start with this “plot summary” from that aforementioned DVD case, which totally wasn’t written by the same aliens who made Ella McCay?

Okay, let’s get down to business: Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever tells the story of Roxanne (voiced by Jane Seymore, who all of the kids were crazy for back in 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2006), a talking dog who lives in a town full of talking dogs. They all essentially function like humans, except they’re dogs. Think Bluey if it made zero sense. You see, Roxanne misses her beloved Grandma Bess, who is dead. Before you start laughing at the thought of a bunch of dogs holding a dog funeral, I need to clarify that GRANDMA BESS WAS A FUCKING HUMAN!!! So…how does this fucking society work?! Do humans and talking dogs co-exist? Did Grandma Bess “own” Roxanne like a pet??

Anyway Roxanne wants “the perfect Christmas tree,” because she needs a good place to pee for the holidays, but she’s waited way too long to get one since she’s stupid like that. She eats too many sticky buns and gets sick. Or, wait, maybe she gets a cold. Either way, it’s not important. Roxanne goes to a lot of Christmas tree farms and is told they are all out of trees even though you can clearly see plenty of trees still available in them. And then a Christmas star falls from the sky (no, really) and she catches it and uses it to wish for a Christmas tree. Then Santa gets lost because he needs the star to navigate. Then the star tells Roxanne to return it to the heavens or else Christmas will be ruined for everyone. Eventually, Tony Curtis the St. Bernard just shows up out of nowhere, and TONY FUCKING CURTIS??? WHY THE FUCK IS TONY CURTIS IN THIS??? THIS WAS APPARENTLY ONE OF THE LAST THINGS HE DID BEFORE HIS PASSING!! JUST HOW THE FUCK DID THEY GET HIM??? SOMEONE NEEDS TO ASK JAMIE LEE CURTIS IF SHE HAS ANY INFORMATION ON THIS!!!

Now, unlike something like The Adventures of Candy Claus: Part One, there isn’t anything inherently “off” about Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever. At first glance. And then you notice…things. There’s an opening gas involving two dogs with holiday lights. One dog is mad because his lights are all tangled up, so the other dog pulls on the string to untangle them, and then the mad dog is happy, but then the other dog is mad since this action…tangles up his own lights? Huh? Then it’s hard to tell when something is an animation error or an intentional joke. Case in point: IS RUDOLPH’S NOSE SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING GREEN HERE?!?!

Now…this would normally be when I share Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever with you on YouTube. Only problem is there’s only one upload of this thing on YouTube, and it has no sound. Copyright strike? I think it’s more likely the uploader made a blunder. No one cares enough about Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever to flag a YouTube channel over it. And speaking of YouTube, you wanna know something? This special has a grand total of zero YouTube reviews. Even The Adventures of Candy Claus: Part One has those! Fortunately, it is on Tubi (at least for now), so venture there if you wish to have the best Christmas ever.

Meanwhile, I’m pretty sure I’ve researched this thing more than anyone else on the fucking planet. Seriously, try Googling this on Google Images and in no time at all you’ll just get pictures of Roxanne from Five Nights at Freddy’s and Max’s girlfriend from A Goofy Movie. And what do I have to show for my labor? Absolutely nothing. So here’s that one South Park song from Woodland Critter Christmas, which may as well be the end credits song from Roxanne’s Best Christmas Ever, except it’s done non-ironically there.

Merry Christmas, y’all!