NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE REPORT WAS WRITTEN BY THE GRINCH

Hi. It’s me. The fucking Grinch. Yeah. You’ve seen me fucking everywhere this year. I’m so tired. Anyway, Scrat has been a little “tied up” for the last few days (you’re welcome, Avocado!), so I’m doing a fashionably late box office report. But I’ll hate doing it. Take no offense, though. I hate everything. Except for Pickle Rick. Funniest thing I’ve ever seen. Chief inspiration for my terrible McDonald’s salt which you can’t get no matter how desperately you want it. Ha, ha. My heart grows just a bit thinking about you idiots being made miserable trying to find it. It’s fucking pickle salt! It’s not like I invented it, you know!

Our number one movie is Avatar: Fire and Ash, which made “only” $89 million, which Film Twitter is telling me is bad for some reason. Fucking Film Twitter. They make me seem cheerful! Also a bunch of Marvel fans and Lord of the Rings fans are also salty over this, for reasons that sail over my green Grinch head, and you know what, I’m grateful for that. All of the Whos are telling me Avatar: Fire and Ash will leave no cultural impact even as it makes all of the money in Who-ville over the next few weeks, kind of like my animated movie from 2018. C’mon. I know you saw it.

Next up is David. Christian Twitter is telling me this is a big deal, because it beat Zootopia 2 this weekend, and that movie has been playing for four weeks, so this is a pretty big fucking deal! Damn, Disney must be terrified! So terrified that Disney is…paying movie theaters not to show David? Wait, if they aren’t showing David, then how is it making money? And why are so many of those seats empty despite being paid for? Oh, wait, it’s that fucking “Pay It Forward” thing they did for Sound of Who Freedom, where they trick grandmothers into buying tickets after the end credits are over because grandmothers are stupid and think they are “introducing people who have never heard of God” to the word of God. Ha! Have you even read the bible? David does some stuff that makes even me flinch. And you all know what I did to Max in the live-action movie! It takes a lot to get under my green, sexy skin. So maybe David, I think, isn’t an authentic hit. Maybe David, perhaps, is a huge pile of shit.

Then there’s The Housemaid. My wife wants to take me to this one. I’m not sure how I feel about that. My wife has a bad habit of audibly moaning during sex scenes at the Who-Theater and getting us both Pee-Wee Hermaned out of there even though I haven’t done anything but sit there and be grumpy. My wife is very horny. Like, you have no idea. I love her, but she scares me sometimes. So if The Housemaid has any sex scenes, I don’t think I can go. Also, weren’t conservative Whos telling me just a week ago that Sydney Sweeney is so popular and always “owning the lib Whos” and shit like that? How come they’re so giddy about David beating it? I thought they liked Sydney Sweeney, or maybe they’re just pretending to, but they wouldn’t do that, would they?

Also, a SpongeBob movie opened. Which number are they even on at this point? I don’t care, because I hate Spongebob! He’s so cheerful all the time. Just hearing that guy talks takes years off my life. Anyway, Christian Twitter is also happy David “beat SpongeBob” this weekend, so I change my mind. I like SpongeBob now! Go SpongeBob! Anything to bring David down a peg in those totally full theaters.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go feed Scrat before he dies. He’s been there a while. I really don’t like him. No, no I don’t. I’m just happy someone is in the cage instead of me for a change (sorry, that was TMI. My wife has “kinks” and I lost a bet).

Anyway, the top ten, via The Numbers