Hi, kids. I am Santa. The real Santa. And I need your help. You see, Santa’s gotten into some serious gambling debt and needs money. Um, I mean, Santa needs money for charity. Santa doesn’t actually have money and uses Christmas magic to make his toys. Wait, do you kids still believe that crap? Who knows. Maybe you kids think Santa uses Amazon Prime.

Anyway, Santa REALLY needs money. For charity. Lots of it. And Santa has some really great stories to tell you! Trust Santa! You will be on the edge of your seat! And, um, I dunno, some crap called “wubies”? Am I spelling it right? Anyway, ASK YOUR PARENTS PERMISSION FIRST (it doesn’t matter if they hear you, or even if they say yes), then call Santa’s special phone number. And you will be helping Special Olympics, which Santa cares deeply about, and he cares about it so much he doesn’t need to tell you how much he is giving. A lot, okay? Also, before you ask, yes, Santa does share a phone number with the Easter Bunny. Nothing sus about that, as you kids often say!

Have a jolly night! Ho, ho, ho!