♪ W-A-S-H-I-N-G-T-O-N, baby, D.C
W-A-S-H-I-N-G-T-O-N, baby, D.C ♪
Uvular Suspects died November 21, 2025.1 A coroner ruled the intermittent Avocado Weekend Politics Thread header host’s passing a death by misadventure.2
“As a white, suburban man in his late 50s, Suspects never should have entered Washington, DC,”3 a law enforcement official who brought news of the untimely demise to family members said. “You figure he knew the risks of crossing the Potomac. Still, you gotta wonder how a guy could ignore hourly warnings from Fox News.”
A woman who identified herself as a sister of Suspects but understandably requested anonymity recalled, “We’ll always remember our Uve as the generally tolerated teller of alleged jokes such as ‘A baby seal walks into a club; very sad.’”4
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Every nonfactual humorous observation coalesces around a kernel of truth. The icy cold heart of that mordant seal one-liner, for instance, consists of the regrettable reality of infant pinnipeds suffering stove-in heads courtesy of trappers swinging truncheons. Funny, funny stuff.
Uvular did visit DC on the day referenced. Neither roving gangs exuding Escape from New Yorkian menace nor National Guardsmen unaccountably patrolling Metro stations fatally assaulted the visiting Virginian. In a pleasantly surprising turn of events, Uvular encountered no mobilized state militia members violating the Posse Comitatus Act at the illegal ordering of a doddering dullard.
A synopsis provided by the invaluable, voluntary subscription-supported What the Fuck Just Happened Today? explains the unexpected absence:
A federal judge ruled that Trump’s deployment of more than 2,000 National Guard troops in Washington was likely unlawful and ordered the operation to end, but delayed the order for 21 days so the administration can appeal. Judge Jia Cobb found that the White House used the D.C. National Guard for crime-deterrence missions without a request from the city and brought in out-of-state troops without legal authority, which she said harmed the District’s ability to govern itself. The deployment began in August after Trump declared a crime emergency and later extended the Guard mission into 2026. D.C. Attorney General Brian Schwalb said the ruling confirms that “the U.S. military should not be policing American citizens on American soil.” The White House, meanwhile, claimed Trump acted within his lawful power.
Unperturbed by uniformed usurpers of authority for keeping order stored,5 Uvular perambulated a fair swath of Chocolate City.6 Viewing the White House proved perversely problematic. Metal fencing, corrugated sheds, and ludicrously large vehicles barred entry to every street and alley leading to the clearly misnamed People’s House. The one fairly close vista shows in the featured header picture.
Uvular also managed to capture the following image of machines of targeted destruction demolishing the East Wing. Note the conspicuous lack of a “NOT your tax dollars at work!” sign.
Two hours spent browsing exhibits in the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African American History & Culture left your WPT host inspired but with too little time to check out the Museum of the American History. At least he spent another day not actively genociding indigenous peoples. Whatever the NMAI collection would teach Uvular, he already internalized one important lesson.
From the National Mall,7 Uvular headed into the geographical center of the District of Columbia to check out how far the gentrification of his former neighborhood progressed since he moved away in 2006.
Developers look to have called “Halt!” after replacing half of the Mount Pleasant Uvular once knew. The all-time favorite diviest dive bar still serves. The Korean-owned fried chicken place that never, not once changed the its fryer oil remains. The authentic Honduran, El Salvadoran, and Guatemalan restaurants continue satiating diners drawn from just about every country across the globe. Liquor stores dominate several blocks.
Most importantly, ICE and CBP goons seem to have left the nonpareil of America’s mixing bowl8 intact. Keep fingers crossed this does not change suddenly and for the worse. Uvular intends to do a smidge to ensure such a felicitous future by participating in this weekend’s Remove the Regime rally at the Lincoln Memorial.
Or maybe he will lose his life. A MAGA-looking guy can only tempt fate by setting foot in DC so many times.
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