Joel and Chris are walking down the street, having a friendly argument about food, and women passing by are fawning all over Chris. I mean more so than usual. Just as a confused Joel asks Chris what’s going on (this must be a gag, right?), one of them walks up and requests a brief make-out session. Chris obliges.

[Cue moose strutting to funky jazz music.]

There’s an optometrist in town, and Maggie is in denial over her worsening eyesight. “It’s nothing serious,” she’s assured. Presbyopia. “‘Opia’ for sight. ‘Presby’ for old.” It’s a common part of aging and not at all unusual for someone in their early 30s. Maggie vehemently insists she’s nowhere near her 30s… she’s 29. Maggie takes her concerns to Joel, posing it as a “friend’s” problem. Joel, brilliant doctor but dumbass friend, thinks she’s actually talking about someone else and answers with his usual bluntness. Presbyopia is nothing to worry about; it’s just a harbinger of “the inevitable downhill slide: old age.” You get heavy. Gravity sets in. Things fall apart. You start to look like a basset hound. “Your friend’s how old? 45? 50?”

Joel examines Chris, but he can’t explain why Chris is suddenly irresistible to women. Chris explains that it’s just his smell–that periodically, something about his odor just draws women. It’s not necessarily sexual. A grandmotherly type might want to, say, bake him cookies and pinch his cheeks. But it’s mostly sexual. And episodes of this phenomenon typically result in Chris being the focal point of days-long orgies.

And I’m going to go ahead and say it: I really hate this episode. Or at least the “Chris is irresistible” plot. Which dominates this episode. Chris was already preternaturally gifted with women. He bumps into supermodel types and cute grad students literally out in the wilderness and they end up in his trailer that night. It was already pretty grating. So the show taking it to this extreme is beyond irksome. I hate the gross fantasy portrayed here. I hate his story about a room full of naked teenagers. I hate that he’s going to Ruth-Anne’s place for “a late supper.” I hate that all these women apparently can’t help themselves in the presence of strong pheromones. And I have to wonder, is this the writers trolling the critics who expressed annoyance with Chris? Is it the wannabe rugged philosopher playboys of the writing crew projecting a fantasy onscreen? I don’t know. But I hate it.

So if there’s a saving grace to this stupid story, it’s that Chris’ effect on women isn’t total. Irene the optometrist just isn’t going for him. It’s not that she’s married or otherwise taken. She’s not a lesbian. She’s not congested. She’s not some 20-something supermodel who’s way out of his league. She’s just a woman who isn’t swayed by whatever it is that has all the others going nuts.

And it gets in his head. A screaming crowd of groupies waits impatiently outside Chris’ trailer, but he is too distracted by thoughts of Irene to enjoy it. He makes a run for it, to see Irene. After she rebuffs him, he spends a night with two young women, but he is unable to perform physically. There’s a hint of something deeper here when Chris says he doesn’t just want sex; he actually wants to spend time with this woman. But it never gets beyond a hint. He clearly just wants the one he can’t have.

Maurice has commissioned Holling to take his photo portrait to hang in Houston along with those of other astronauts. Maurice wants to look good in contrast to the others, who are getting a little gray and a little heavy around the midsection. But when the picture gets developed, he accuses Holling of betraying him by making him look bad. First Shelly, now this?! It always comes back to Shelly with these two, no matter how many times it seems like they’ve put it to rest. All three of them recap how Shelly and Holling met, with varying details, such as who gave her aspirin. I think I’d appreciate the Rashomon-style twist more if this love triangle drama wasn’t beyond worn out at this point.

Maurice: “Cherchez la femme. That’s one thing the frogs got right.”

Pictured: How Holling thought the portrait looked vs what Maurice saw.

After speaking with Fleischman, who compares the situation to the parable of the blind men describing an elephant, Shelly brings Holling and Maurice to the church and demands they patch things up. She hilariously confuses the two by fumbling the elephant metaphor, but still, in this episode in particular it’s nice to see the silliest woman in town show some agency. She’s not a bone for two dogs to fight over, she’s an elephant, dammit!

Holling goes to Maurice’s that night and apologizes. Chris’ pheromones wear off earlier than usual, much to the chagrin of the doctor who was trying to figure out the science behind it. Chris pays one more visit to the annoyed and confused optometrist, who admits the attention was flattering… but she’s still not interested. Struggling to read the menu at The Brick, Maggie finally admits that she needs glasses. But Fleischman uses his characteristic bluntness to tell her she’s not “in decline.” She is, in fact, very beautiful, and if men don’t like her it’s because of her defensiveness and her abrasive personality. For these two, it’s what passes for a sweet moment. Maurice comes in and relieves tensions when he orders “the usual.” On air, Chris muses about unrequited love, then he goes outside to look at the stars.

…

This was just… not a good episode. And it’s a shame. I think it could have been. They could have skipped the overdone Shelly love triangle and focused on Maurice and the portrait. They could have toned down the hypersexed Chris fantasy and made it about a guy maturing and experiencing his libido declining and/or the desire to settle down with one woman, along with the novel (for him) experience of that woman simply not being interested. These subplots could have meshed well together along with Maggie’s eyesight issue under the theme of people having to come to terms with aging. But instead we got this. But hey, c’est la vie. That’s one thing the frogs got right.

Miscellaneous notes, quotes, and anecdotes:

– Maurice has a sabretooth tiger skull on display in his living room.

– Joel: “That’s the movies, Ed. Try reality.” Ed: (smiling) “No thanks.”

– Maggie seems unfazed by Chris’ Sex Panther effect. Or she is at least capable of some self control. But of course Chris’ stated tendency to avoid married women and friends during his “smell” episodes could account for it too.

– Rest in peace, Valerie Mahaffey, “Eve” on Northern Exposure, but perhaps more famous as George’s pretentious girlfriend on Seinfeld. She passed away last month from cancer, aged 71.

– This episode has a small role for another lady in Costanza’s life: Heidi Swedberg plays one of Chris’ admirers here, about a year before becoming more famous in her role as Susan.

– Headline-worthy news in Cicely: “Bert Sinclair Plans a Quiet Thanksgiving This Year.”

– Playing outside of Chris’ trailer:

– A very different tune playing on KBHR that night:

– This one plays at The Brick towards the end of the episode:

It’s a real deep cut! Only a few thousand views on YouTube.