This may be the weirdest, most random thing I’ve ever posted to the Avocado. It’s a fan script for the animated sitcom American Dad! … but just for the cold open, the scene that starts off an episode, with no idea where the rest of the episode would go from there. It’s just one of those things that pops up in your brain and won’t leave until you share it with someone. I chose you all to be that someone. Enjoy!

INT. – SMITH HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

ROGER is lounging on the couch, while KLAUS is in their bowl on the coffee table.

KLAUS:
What about … Hayley and Turlington?

ROGER:
Haylington.

KLAUS:
Wow. Okay, Toshi and Duper?

ROGER:
Tusher.

KLAUS:
Francine and Bullock?

ROGER:
BullFran.

KLAUS:
Jeff and …
(rubs chin in thought)
Jeff and …

JEFF enters.

JEFF:
Here, Mr. Klaus, but I don’t think And’s coming. Also, who’s And?

KLAUS:
Jeff, you gotta see this. Name any two people, and Roger can tell you what their couple name would be if they got together.

ROGER:
It’s a gift I have.

KLAUS:
Go on, try it!

JEFF:
Okay … umm, how about, Snot and Danuta?

ROGER:
Snotuta.

JEFF:
He’s good.

KLAUS:
Yeah!

JEFF:
All right, let’s try, Stan and Dr. Weitzman?

ROGER:
Weitzstan.

JEFF:
Greg and Reginald?

ROGER:
Greginald.

JEFF:
Klaus and Barry?

ROGER:
BareKlau.

Jeff pauses to think.

JEFF:
Tuttle … and Buckle.

KLAUS:
Oooooh!

Now it’s Roger’s turn to pause, pressing fingers together while deep in thought. Then …

ROGER:
ButtleTuck.

JEFF & KLAUS:
(excited, shouting, talking over each other)
Whaaaa!? That’s amazing! How did you- Can’t believe it! Mind. Blown!

Roger raises palms and gives a little bow of the head, like accepting applause at an awards show. Then FRANCINE enters, and surveys the scene in disapproval.

FRANCINE:
God, you three are still here? None of you have left the house in four weeks.

ROGER:
Yeah, it’s been one of those kinda months.

FRANCINE:
Roger, don’t you have personas you could be off doing?

ROGER:
I wish, but all my wigs are off being deloused. Anyone tells you you can’t get crabs from giving head, they are wrong.

FRANCINE:
I was just in the attic, and there’s like twenty boxes of wigs up there.

ROGER:
Those are Spring wigs, Francine. If you’re suggesting I wear my Spring wigs in the Autumn, I’m going to have to end this friendship right now!

KLAUS:
For reals!

FRANCINE:
Klaus, don’t you have somewhere you could be? What about your “boys”?

KLAUS:
Oh, they all joined this nutty UFO cult up in Maine. I tried to join, I did! But Brother Xenu said I wasn’t a good fit for them, though what I think happened is-

Francine grabs Klaus’s lips in one hand and presses them shut, silencing the fish.

FRANCINE:
Uh huh.
(turns to Jeff)
Jeff, why aren’t you off doing … I dunno … van stuff or something?

JEFF:
I can’t go in my van anymore, Mrs. S., it’s haunted. Or it needs oil. I don’t know what those lights on the dashboard mean.

FRANCINE:
All right, that’s enough. I’ve got housework to get done, and I can’t do it with you three underfoot all the time. Just go outside and do … whatever.
(turns and points at Roger)
And stop taking credit for ButtleTuck. I gave you ButtleTuck!

ROGER:
No, what you gave me was “TuckleButt”?

KLAUS:
Oh, lame!

JEFF:
That’s weaksauce, Mrs. S.

FRANCINE:
(shouting)
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE!

Roger, Jeff, and Klaus (startled) run out the front door (well, Jeff and Roger run, carrying Klaus’s bowl).

FRANCINE:
Finally, I can do my cleaning in peace.

Francine kneels down by the couch and flips a cushion over. Francine then picks a random bit of something off the cushion bottom, plops it in their mouth, and eats it.

FRANCINE:
Potato chip.

Francine picks up and eats another piece of cushion debris.

FRANCINE:
Bread crumb.

Picks up and eats another.

FRANCINE:
(delighted)
Ooh, Skittle!

Picks up and eats one more.

FRANCINE:
(all joy now vanishes)
Turd.

Cut to the “Good Morning, USA” opening, and we are DONE!