You are now entering Ad Space, a realm of commercials, brought before us so we might examine how they work, and discuss why we both love and hate them so. So it is written …

Last year, I did an Ad Space on commercials for 1-900 numbers from the 90’s. We looked at such bizarre uses of the business model as “Dial An Insult”, “The Freak Phone”, and “What Human Being Was Your Pet In A Previous Lifetime?”

But we didn’t cover what was, by far, the most widespread and infamous use of 900 numbers: talking to pretty ladies! (I assume all the women on these hotlines were as attractive as the ones in the commercials – that’d just be false advertising, otherwise.)

After watching at a bunch of them (purely for this article, I swear!), I was struck by how, though they’re all selling you on the chance to talk to women, they pitch what that conversation will be like in different ways.

Some are exactly what you’d expect, all breathy voice and saxophone music and special emphasis put on the word “Anything“.

Others decide that’s not explicit enough, and have the woman slipping out of a towel and letting out a long, sensual moan … before shifting abruptly to reciting the number you need to call.

But then some go in the opposite direction. Instead of promising something hot and steamy, they insist the phoneline is there for if you “need a friend”. They provide a way to reach out, get some human contact when you’re feeling alone in the world and “need to hear a soft, smiling voice”. It’d all seem quite wholesome and innocent … except the folks in the ad are all still beautiful women, so the subtext remains.

Oddly enough, of all these ads, the one that feels genuinely wholesome is also the one whose number is 1-900-HOT-ONES.

I think what makes this ad stand out is that they’re not trying quite so hard. They don’t go all in on the sexiness, nor do they act like they can fulfill an emotional void in your life. They’re just like, hey, these are some pretty women, they look friendly, there’s some fun music, and one gal’s shaking maracas – what’s not to enjoy?

And for the exact opposite of wholesome … Women’s Secret Confessions.

I have a feeling that “For Women Only” thing wasn’t enforced much.