NOTE: THE FOLLOWING BOX OFFICE REPORT HAS BEEN WRITTEN BY SPECIAL GUEST COLUMNIST, THE EASTER BUNNY

*sighs*

Hey, guys. It’s me. The Easter Bunny. Not that any of you care. No. You only care about Godzilla and King Kong. It’s not even their season! Who associates Easter with cities being destroyed by giant monsters with absolutely terrible manners and hygiene? Like, let’s be real, King Kong probably smells worse than the rotten eggs that I give to the naughty children (and you thought Santa was the only one capable of being a dick to kids like that). I mean, I’m sorry, but think about that for a moment. King Kong is several hundred feet tall and very hairy, and it’s highly unlikely they make deodorant and toilet paper rolls large enough to suit his needs. Disgusting. Bunnies never smell that way.

Anyway, while I would like to tell you about how I nearly got myself eaten alive by multiple dogs last night all so you could enjoy your fucking jelly beans, you didn’t come here to hear about that. No, you came here to read about how Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (“Your new empire???” See, I can do memes too) stomped over all expectations with an opening of $80 million. Tell me how this is an appropriate way to celebrate me dying for your sins? Oh wait, that’s the other guy. Which reminds me, I still need to buy him a card. Regardless, the point still stands. You all should have instead spent the weekend watching Easter Bunny films, like Hop and…um….uh….Hop. Wait, is there seriously only one Easter Bunny movie? Sheesh!

Alright, alright, back to the box office report. Godzilla x Kong is the second best opening in this so-called “Monsterverse” franchise, behind only 2014’s Godzilla, and how ironic it is that movie tried to bring “seriousness” back to the big green guy when these films are fucking cartoons now. Have you even seen the Godzilla x Kong trailers? He’s pink now! HE’S PINK! Wait, pink is an Easter color kind of, so I guess that’s appropriate (please note I am being sarcastic. Us bunnies are very bad at sarcasm and have to clarify when we are being that way, and to clarify, I am not being sarcastic when I say that). I can’t help but wonder just how much money 2021’s Godzilla Vs. Kong would have brought in if Warner Bros. had waited until COVID restrictions on theaters were over (all Regal Cinema locations in the US were closed when it opened). Oh wait, did that come out at Easter too? Well, fuck me!

Continuing the disgraceful timing of seasonal releases is Ghostbusters: Frozen Empire, and I’m sorry, but there was just no excuse to release this during the spring? It was already bad enough when I had to place Frozen DVDs in a bunch of Easter baskets a decade ago, but at least that film had the dignity to open at winter! Those fucking Ghostbusters have no shame. No wonder it is showing not-so-good legs with a drop of nearly 70%, as audiences will NOT tolerate this level of blasphemy during my time of year, and I refuse to believe there is any other reason beyond that.

Anyway, the top ten, via The Numbers