‘Twas the Night Before Christmas is a 1974 holiday special from Rankin/Bass. It is loosely inspired by the poem by Clement Moore (which was actually called A Visit from St. Nicolas, but I digress), although apart from the obligatory recitation of it at the end, this is really its own story. It tells the tale of the people of Junctionville, whose lives are thrown into total chaos when Santa Claus returns their letters. I should probably mention that everyone in this town writes letters to Santa, including all of the adults, and while I’m at it, I’ll point out that they sent said letters before fucking October. Suffice it to say, these folks care about Santa.

Anyway, the reason Santa returned their mail (without even opening it) is because of a letter to the editor published in the local newspaper that said not nice things about him. Things like “Santa Claus doesn’t exist” and shit like that. Not nice at all. And it’s signed “all of us!” And Santa is pissed. How dare this town that is so committed to him that, I will repeat, all of the adults write letters to him print such a steaming pile of garbage! Well, Santa’s not gonna take it! So he decides to…boycott the entire town.

And I mean the entire town. I’m talking children’s hospitals. No, really, CHILDREN’S HOSPITALS. Santa is refusing to give gifts to SICK CHILDREN because, again, a letter to the editor rubbed him the wrong way, and since it was signed “all of us,” that must mean the entire town was behind it! The nerve of those sick children for daring to want toys after that! How dare they! And did I mention that this evil letter was written by a mouse?

Now, instead of being all “fuck Santa” as you might expect them to be, the people of Junctionville bend over backwards trying to get back in Santa’s good graces by creating a giant clock that will play a song about how wonderful Santa is. When Santa hears the song on Christmas Eve, he’ll realize what an ass he is…or not. He’ll probably just be like “finally, this town is worshipping me as they should, so I guess I’ll spare a few Lego sets and Barbie dolls for them.” Also, please forgive me for this, but it looks like Santa has…three noses?

This would normally be a part where I post a YouTube link to the special in its entirety, but unfortunately, that seems to be like impossible to find. I mean I could show you the upload which is somebody videotaping it off of their television, but nah. I’m going to assume that YouTube’s copyright system just strikes this one down automatically, for whatever reason, which is a shame. So instead I’ll just give you the special’s most famous song, which some of you may or may recognize for getting the full South Park treatment in the episode A Very Crappy Christmas.

Have a merry night, y’all! And remember, never have an opinion of your own, or Santa Claus might cancel both you and your town!