Ever thought about putting your house up for and AirBnB? If so, did you ever give a thought to the judgment potential renters might give you from your DVD collection? You don’t know how it got there. Maybe it was a gift. Maybe you got it at a 3 for $5 sale at Wal-Mart. Or, perhaps worst of all, maybe you actually like it. Welcome to “BnB Shame”.

Exhibit A:

Dragonball: Evolution

Why make it:

Gather ’round, children, and let me tell you of tale of a young man who came from outer space but was raised by a kindly grandpa. It turns out this young man can get stronger and mightier as he trains more, sometimes with the help of former enemies or a gravity chamber. His muscles get bigger. He can start shooting fireballs. His yells get more belligerent. His hair can change color from jet black to a lovely blonde. And sometimes he turns into a giant monkey.

Now… imagine this story, but you set it in high school that is so cliche it makes you wonder of the screenwriters had ever even been to high school or if all their information came from John Hughes films… No, wait. Not even that. Parodies of John Hughes films. Why else do the permanently rage-filled bullies look like 40-year-old powerlifters?

Incidentally there is a scene where the bullies roll over Goku’s scooter in their sweet car.  Goku asks for an apology and the bullies are all, “What are you going to do about it, nerd?”  But Goku can’t do anything because he must keep his rage bottled up inside.  Because that’s what Goku was about, right?  Pent-up rage.

Dragonball: Evolution, everyone!

White-wash special:

Much has been made of how this is yet another example of Hollywood whitewashing. Goku, the protagonist of the famed Japanese source material that was based on a celebrated Chinese story, is being played by the very white Justin Chatwin. Frankly, I don’t care since 1.) it’s established that Goku is an alien, and the only race he really belongs to is “Saiyan”, and 2.) I am actually glad that no Asian actor’s reputation was ruined by starring in this hot pile of garbage. (Sure, Chow-Yun Fat is also in the movie playing Master Roshi, but the man, as they say, is bulletproof.)

I do wonder who was responsible for casting Chatwin though. It can’t be the fault of director James Wong, who was born in Hong Kong and directed Final Destination and episodes of X-Files. Surely this is the fault of the producer, who is … Stephen MOTHERF**KIN’ Chow?!?!?! The man who gave us Shaolin Soccer, Kung Fu Hustle, and The Mermaid? Was this cynical calculation on how terrible American audiences are?

Chow, by the way, would eventually go on to direct his own Journey to the West movie, i.e. the Dragonball movie but done better.

While they did hire some Asians as supporting characters to play Chi Chi and Yamcha, the most accurate portrayal of a Dragonball character in this movie goes to none other than Emmy Rossum playing Bulma. Part of it is because, gosh darn it, she already looks like that she’s an anime character. She had naturally large anime eyes, unlike some other actors who need to have theirs CGI’ed on. (Looking at you, Alita.) That’s not all, though. Rossum also seems to be the only actor who watched the show, because she has Bulma’s exaggerated reactions and mannerisms down pat.  I was even OK that they decided to go with a blue highlight and not an distracting blue Party City wig.

The most distracting casting, by the way, goes to Ernie Hudson, who plays Roshi’s master.  It’s hard enough to buy that Goku learned anything from Chow-Yun Fat, as the guy is clearly more graceful and athletic even though he’s past his prime action years.  It’s even a bigger stretch to believe that Ernie Hudson, dressed as a wise kung-fu master complete with bright bush white eyebrows and toddling around creakily, would be the guy who taught Chow-Yun fat everything he knows.

The Super Mario Brothers movie for the 21st Century:

There are times this movie feels like it was another screenplay, but Dragonball stuff was hot glued onto it.  We can start with Chow-Yun Fat looking like a sexy hipster, complete with a shirt that has a sexy anime girl screenprinted on it.  Master Roshi is a bald old man with a crazy white beard.  It’s not like Fat couldn’t rock the look: his appearance in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie comes much closer to his anime counterpart.  So why even make the change other than you wanted to do Dragonball, but sexy?

Then there’s a scene where they have to retrieve a dragonball from an island surround by lava.  Our team is beset by armored guardians, which don’t seem to have any counterpart in Akira Torayama’s world.  Was the intent to turn Dragonball into a Lord of the Rings style epic?

Shortly after, Goku goes to a martial arts tournament to cheer for his girlfriend, Chi Chi.  (Who’s turned on by the way he non-confronts his bullies.)  The movie is oddly disjointed in a way that, as eccentric as it could be at times, the source material rarely was.

Overall this is your bog standard heroes journey, give or take a giant monkey. Goku, being the humble guy that he is, really has no incentive to look for the Dragonballs other than a bad guy in a terrible green latex mask want them. He is sorta given an incentive, but only because it presented itself because he went on this quest. But he did stop Piccolo from unleashing a world-dominating wish, so at least he’s got that going for him. Way to Dragonball-block, Goku!

(That’s James Marsters under all that Piccolo make up, by the way.)

All that’s left is…

Dragonball hair ranking (baldies get out):

1. Mai – Wins on default, as she’s got a bob that you set a watch to
2. Bulma – while low on color accuracy, the ponytail look is straight up anime, and at least the blue streak looks okayish
3. Goku – although his final form is technically the most accurate, as the spiky look is manga accurate. However, it looks like it was styled with a gallon of egg whites
4. Chi Chi – surprisingly not that manga-accurate, considering it’s probably one of the easiest styles to pull off. Movie Chi Chi has got too much Valley Girl teased hair going for her
5. Yamcha – If there’s one thing I remember about this guy, it’s the messy bleach blonde hair
6. Master Roshi – If there’s one thing I remember about this guy, it’s that he looked exactly like Chow-Yun Fat going to the Black Eyed Peas after party

Sir-not-appearing-in-this-movie:

Ha ha ha! Not so fast, Krillin!

Potential BnB Renter Assessment:

Do not ever let this movie touch your shelves!  Pack it up.  Hide it in the deepest recesses of your garage, lurking there, in shame, until, maybe ten years from now, a bunch of snotty nerds have decided that it’s a cult classic and that it’s good in a bad way!

Those future nerds are so very wrong.

Other than that, it’s worth watching just to see a world where Dragonball was pressed flat in a cynical and soulless corporate attempt to appeal to as many quadrants as possible.