Ugh.
Technically it’s a decent weekend at the box office. Sort of. But let’s address the elephant party in the room and get it over with, as I was initially going to skip talking about Melania entirely, but somehow it’s the most discussed film of the week. So if you don’t want to endure that–or me going full conspiracy nut–skip ahead to when I talk about Send Help.
Alright, now that we’ve cleared the air, let’s all collectively inhale the noxious gas that is this “documentary” which is just boring at best, and malicious propaganda at worst. One thing you’re going to be hearing from a lot of sources is that Melania had a “record debut” for the genre, except that it absolutely did not. That title easily goes to 2004’s Fahrenheit 9/11, which dwarfs all other similar openers with a still-massive premiere of $23 million, on its way to a total of $119 million stateside and another $100 million worldwide. That remains insane.
Melania isn’t anywhere those numbers with a take of $7 million (no preview screenings, not even for critics, and isn’t it funny that The Washington Post was locked out of the opening night showing when the guy who funded it owns the fucking paper?). And even then, I’m skeptical of the movie’s “success.” You see, prior to Friday, only two screenings nationwide were reported to have sold out. Then all of a sudden, the 2:10 showing at my theater “sells out”…how exactly? I strongly suspect (though I can’t prove it) this was one of Trump’s groups–hell, maybe even government tax dollars–being used to buy tickets en masse to save face. Because you are absolutely going to keep hearing about how this is a “blockbuster release” now (it isn’t), and being able to make claim to “sold-out screenings” is a good way to sell that.
Predictably, reviews for Melania (once they actually arrived) were abysmal. Granted, it’s probably impossible to view this film from a so-called “objective” lens, but this is basically 105 minutes of Melania walking around in heels as her husband mumbles complaints about college football. In true Trump fashion, the press inadvertently did all of the heavy lifting and basically provided the film with free marketing by covering it constantly. Does anyone really think the media would’ve given the same attention to a film centered around Michelle Obama and/or Jill Biden? Probably not. But then again, those women don’t have a deranged cult behind them, because the people who like them are actually normal human beings.
Okay, that’s enough of that. Let’s move onto our real number one movie, which (for now at least) is Send Help. As things currently stand, estimates have Help at $20 million, which would make it the first movie of the year to open to that number. Of course, that could all change when actuals come in tomorrow. Even with great reviews and the Sam Raimi branding, this was a tough sell. It’s sort of hard to tell if this is a horror film or a comedy (I mean, it’s meant to be both, but that’s hard to showcase in marketing), with it being equally difficult to identify who the audience is supposed to root for. At my theater at least, 3-D screenings were not available, but I’ve heard that’s the ideal way to see this one. It will be interesting to find out how it holds up next week.
Our main challenger for Send Help’s victory comes in the form of…a YouTuber. That’s right, Markiplier–probably best known for his Five Nights at Freddy’s videos–has made a movie, and though you may have never heard of it until now, it’s done amazingly well. $17.8 million for a truly independent production like this one is just nuts (it had a better per-screen average than Send Help), so hey, never underestimate a YouTuber’s following. Honestly, good for him. Now watch for Mr. Beast to make a movie that opens to $100 million or something.
Lastly, Jason Statham’s actioner Shelter failed to gimmie much to talk about. Despite a decent critical reception, this one didn’t make much of a dent, and I wonder how many people even knew this was playing. Oh well. I’m sure it’s fun for what it is.
Anyway, the top ten, via The Numbers
