Yesterday, MollySawaGrue mentioned the tale of Porphyrios, a sixth-century whale of unknown origin that wreaked havoc amongst Byzantine sailors for over 50 years and caused consternation in Constantinople.
“I could do this all day,” Porphyrios is reputed to have said.
Theories vary as to the origin of Porphyrios’s name, but most lean towards it being derived from porphyra, or “purple” — Homer’s “wine-dark sea” — in reference to the whale’s skin color. Dispute also arises regarding Porphyrio’s gender and even species, as some contend the beast was a sperm whale somewhat out of its usual habitat,
It was just that dedicated to hating Byzantines.
while others maintain it was an especially large orca that became King (or Queen!) Shit of the Bosporus Strait and decided to clean house.
In The Wars of Justinian, Procopius has this to say about Porphyrios:
[T]he whale, which the residents of Byzantion [the city of Constantinople] called Porphyrios, was caught. This whale had harassed Byzantion and its surroundings for over 50 years, but not continuously, for sometimes it would disappear for long periods of time between appearances. It sank many ships and terrified the passengers of many others, forcing them to make great detours from their course. The Emperor Justinian made it a priority to capture the beast, but he could find no way by which to accomplish this.
I love the idea of Porphyrios occasionally lying low just to fuck with the Byzantines — and Justinian in particular — but probably that was seasonal migration. Anyway, accounts tend to agree that Porphyrios met something of an ignominious end. Per Procopius,
It happened that while a deep calm reigned over the sea, a large number of dolphins gathered near the mouth of the Euxine Sea. Suddenly, they spotted the whale and fled in every direction they could, but most of them ended up near the mouth of the Sangarius River. Meanwhile, the whale managed to capture some of them, which it immediately swallowed. And then, driven either by hunger or a contentious spirit, it continued its pursuit just as fiercely as before until, without realizing it, it came very close to the shore. There, it ran aground in very deep mud, and although it struggled and made every effort to get out of it as quickly as possible, it was still completely unable to escape from this shoal and sank even deeper into the mud.
Now, when this became known to all the people living in the vicinity, they immediately rushed upon the whale. Even though they attacked it persistently with axes from all sides, they still could not kill it. Instead, they dragged it up with some heavy ropes, placed it on carts, and found that its length was about thirty cubits, and its width was ten. Then, after forming several groups and dividing the whale accordingly, some ate the flesh immediately, while others decided to cure the portion they received.
Regardless, Avocados, may you be as dedicated to good works and good trouble as Porphyrios was to wrecking Byzantine shit, and, as always, be kind to yourselves and others!