NOTE: THE FOLLOWING HEADER WAS TAKEN FROM SCREEN RANT
Thomas and the Magic Railroad opened on this day 25 years ago. The movie was supposed to make money, but it didn’t. Instead, it lost money. It was also supposed to be a good movie. Instead, it wasn’t. But how did it happen?
Who is Thomas?
Thomas is a lovable talking train or a Hayden Church, depending on the context. In this context, he’s a train.
What is the Magic Railroad?
It’s a railroad that’s magical. We think. We’re pretty sure we saw this movie more than once, so we should know what we’re talking about.
What is Thomas and the Magic Railroad based on?
Boy, you ask a lot of questions. Anyway, Thomas and the Magic Railroad is based on the TV series Shining Time Station, which aired its last episode in 1993. It made sense to release a movie based on it in the year 2000.
The fuck is Shining Time Station?
Watch your language! Kids read the quality content on Screen Rant every day! Anyway, we just told you what Shining Time Station was.
But what was it about?
It was about a train station. There was a perky secretary. We can’t remember what her name was. There was a schemer named Schemer. He liked to scheme. There were two kids. And there was Ringo Starr, who was portrayed as a tiny man. We’re not sure how he felt about that as a reflection of his career.
That’s rude. What happened in a typical episode of Shining Time Station?
There was one episode where everyone’s wishes came true for some reason. That was pretty funny.
What about the other episodes?
There were no other episodes. That was the only one.
Wait, what does any of this have to do with Thomas the Tank Engine?
Tiny Ringo Starr would serve as a segue (railway? Ha! We are clever here at Screen Rant!) for them. Each episode would feature a Thomas story. This was really why you were watching the show. For Thomas and Tiny Ringo.
Is Tiny Ringo Starr in Thomas and the Magic Railroad?
No, he was replaced George Carlin who was then replaced by Alec Baldwin.
Who is Alec Baldwin?
He was the gross guy who picked lint out of his bellybutton in The Cat in the Hat. We’re not here to hold your hand.
What does Alec Baldwin do in Thomas and the Magic Railroad?
He’s lost his pixie dust and must find it. Stop it. Stop it right now. We know you’re snickering. We’re not talking about that. We said stop snickering!
So the plot is about Alec Baldwin trying to recover his drugs?
WE SAID STOP SNICKERING! Anyway, Alec Baldwin must find his pixie dust or Diesel 10, who is an evil train, will kill him. Wait, that’s not it. C’mon, we KNOW we’ve watched this movie before. Thomas was allegedly in it. So was Matilda. We think.
I’ve seen some clips of Peter Fonda in this movie, and I’m now convinced depression is contagious. What’s he so sad about?
He blames himself for a train being dead. Diesel 10, who is evil and hates magic, or something, killed the train. Peter Fonda blames himself and just lives alone with the dead train’s body.
That can’t be right, can it?
It unfortunately is. Your time would really be better off spent watching Barney’s Great Adventure: The Movie.
Is it true that Diesel 10 originally had a scary voice and then they gave him a dumb voice because he scared kids?
Yes, Diesel 10 did have a scary voice in the Thomas and the Magic Railroad teaser trailer, but kids are sissies, so they got rid of his scary voice and cut his “scary” human companion from the movie entirely.
Wait, scary human companion? What are you talking about?
You really can look this stuff up for yourself.
What does Thomas do in Thomas and the Magic Railroad?
We can’t remember.
You know, this sarcasm is getting pretty old. Please stop it.
We are Screen Rant. We’re never sarcastic. Or creative. Or particularly entertaining. Please make sure you check out our list of the “Ten SCARIEST Thomas the Tank Engine Villains” when you’re done here.
Did Roger Ebert like the movie?
He did not. Like most people online, we use Roger Ebert to vindicate our opinions when he agrees with us, and brush him aside as a silly old dead man when he doesn’t.
There’s a disturbing part in the movie where Diesel 10 throws Alec Baldwin off a bridge and he lands safely on some bags. He then breaks the fourth wall and “thanks me” for “putting the bags there to save him.” I had nothing to do with that! How can I sue this movie for baseless accusations against me?
Get therapy.
Is it true that Subway had toys for this movie?
There has never been a financially successful movie that Subway had actual toys for (we’re not talking about their “bag era” with Disney), so yes, Thomas and the Magic Railroad had Subway toys.
Why did Thomas and the Magic Railroad bomb?
Because it opened against Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps, so parents took their little kids to see that movie instead and probably regretted it.
I used to own Thomas and the Magic Railroad on VHS, but I lost my copy. Does this make it “lost media”?
We’re not going to dignify that with an answer.
Have a really USEFUL day, y’all!