Catwoman opened 20 years ago this month. C’mon. Don’t look at me like that. You’re not at all surprised I’m doing this. Catwoman was, as you are all no doubt aware, a bomb on a colossal level, losing all nine of its financial lives as it made only $82 million worldwide against a production budget of $100 million. This is one of those films that everyone expected to be bad, and in that regard, it delivered on every level. Me-ouch!
Catwoman actually began conception shortly after the release of Tim Burton’s Batman Returns in 1992, as a spin-off for Michelle Pfeiffer’s take on the character which had proven to be hugely popular with audiences. A script was written which–sighs–would have seen Selina Kyle developing amnesia, and traveling to Las Angeles (or Gotham’s equivalent of it), where she would have met “three annoying male superheroes” who she would have decided to take down as Catwoman. Ugh. Unsurprisingly, Burton hated the idea (despite screenwriter Daniel Waters boasting in later interviews that it “would have been The Boys before The Boys.” Keep telling yourself that, mate), wanting to make a modern noir tribute to 1942’s Cat People instead, one thing lead to another, and the project fell into Bat-limbo for years.
More than a decade later, we got Catwoman, directed by someone called “Pitof” (a name which, I’m sorry, sounds like a French euphemism for ejaculation), and of course, starring Halle Berry. She had made a huge splash as Bond girl Jinx in Die Another Day, and I guess may have seemed like a natural fit. Maybe. Honestly, it’s hard to imagine any scenario where “Halle Berry as a socially awkward, timid everywoman” would have worked, because if you’ve seen Catwoman, then you know this isn’t about Selina Kyle. No, our leading lady is “Patience Phillips,” and look, if you’re making a movie that might just possibly, I don’t know, get terrible reviews, don’t name your main character “Patience” for crying out loud! The jokes just write themselves! “I lost Patience with this very quickly!” “Filmgoers are going to have little Patience for Berry’s performance!” It’s too easy!
Anyway, “Patience” has like no self-confidence and shit, even though she has a great apartment and looks like fucking Halle Berry. Maybe she just hates her life because she’s stuck with Alex Borstein as her “comic relief” best friend. Borstein’s whole gimmick is that she’s horny for literally every man she sees, and I swear to God, every fucking time this character shows up, I just want for a Bat-anvil to land on her head and end everyone’s misery. She seems like someone who any normal person would hate spending even a second of their day with, and Patience has to pretend to like her, barely tolerating every reference to penises that she makes while secretly hoping that, yes, a Bat-anvil would land on her head. No wonder she snaps!
Oh, wait, I’m sorry. Did I say she snaps? What I meant to say is “Patience is killed when she discovers diabolical makeup secrets about her diabolical makeup company, and is brought back to life by a CGI cat, because 2004, and this is just fucking normal, apparently.” It’s strongly implied that this takes place in the same universe as Batman Returns (even though it’s shot like an episode of Gilmore Girls), with Patience being one of many “catwomen” who are out there. And once she finally becomes the titular feline, she doesn’t do anything “bad” so much as she…cracks a whip around some. And she hisses. And she likes fish. And she hates Mondays. Eventually, she crosses paths with Sharon Stone, the woman who murdered her because of diabolical makeup. Also, Patience dates the most useless detective alive. And no Bat-anvil lands on Alex Borstein’s head.
Now is where we would normally get to the part where I’m like “well, actually, Catwoman isn’t that bad.” And…I dunno. I mean, I just can’t bring myself to hate this movie. Lord knows that when I finally watched this thing a few years back I was excited to tear it a new one, and yet, there’s just something so innocent about this stupid, stupid film. It’s not hateful or spiteful. And it’s clueless about how goofy it is! It thinks it’s a revolutionary piece of cinema! And for that I kind of have to smile along for the ride.
Besides, at least this one person on Amazon seemed to like it…
Have a great night, y’all!