You count your drawers at the end of the day, and again come up several hundred dollars short.
“Guys,” says Rick, patiently, “Sears needs this money.”
“Let’s just fire them all,” says Bridgette, frustrated.
“We already did that once this month,” says Rick. “Corporate is gonna have questions if we do it again.”
“Fine,” says Bridgette, glaring at the lot of you, “but at least stop stealing pens.”
“NEVER,” yells Reaganomics Lamborghini
“At least steal fewer pens.”
“MAYBE.”
You stop at the Publix on the way home and buy a box of cheesy shell macaroni for 89¢ and then split it 13 ways.
You spend a little down time at home in the evening, getting to know the people who live on the first floor: Dave, who waxes the floors at Walmart at night, and Regis, a veteran on disability. You stand in the kitchen and watch the sky glow over Orlando, 10 miles northwest.
“You can’t pack 2 million people into 10 square miles and not have them go crazy,” Regis tells you as you prepare the cheesy shells. “I’m a moron, and I know that.”
Outside, Dave gets on his bicycle and rides off to Walmart.
You wake in the morning to find, yep, two bodies outside. The anoles are getting ready the carry them off.
“Hold up,” says Bea, and fishes a wadded up piece of paper out of Madysen’s mouth.
“Does it say anything about ringing a bell?” asks Stephen Sebald.
“No,” says Bea, taking a drag on her cigarette. “It says, and I’m going to read this like it’s in all caps, because it is, ‘SEARS WON’T LET ME RETURN ANYTHING I HATE YOU ALL SO MUCH.'” She exhales a smoke ring. “Customers suck.”
Madysen (Colonel Mustard) has died. He was a SEARSONAUT (VANILLA TOWN).
“What a shame,” says Madison. “A real loss. Imagine I just tweeted a crying emoji.”
The other body is none other than
Jon Hamm’s John Ham. He was a SEARSONAUT (VANILLA TOWN).
His mouth is stuffed with JC Penney coupons.
“Wep,” says E-Dog, “that’s a right shame. But his Sears spirit wasn’t strong enough. Only the strong survive at Sears.” He looks at the lizards. “Take ’em away, boys.”
One of the anoles gives you a tiny thumbs up, and then the swarm drags the bodies away to the undergrowth.
“What do you think they do with the bodies?” asks the goat.
“Grusome lizard things,” says Mr. Burns.
“Yeah,” says Reaganomics. “I had to spend six months hiding out in the Everglades. You don’t want to know what reptile civilization looks like. I think I accidentally married a ball python out there.”
You push-start the truck, spend 30 minutes in traffic listening to not-bad mariachi music on the AM band, and arrive exactly at 8 a.m.
At this point, you’re getting to know other Sears employees, including:
- Wanda, a manager. Wanda is from Puerto Rico, is six feet tall in heels, and has an eye of Horus tattooed below her left eye. Some of the older Searsonauts conclude that this is a homage to Lisa “Left Eye” Lopes; the younger ones can’t believe how much she looks like Farah from Overwatch. She even sounds like Farah.
- Nandini, a middle-aged sales associate in menswear. Nandini is super friendly, has a hitch in her step like her right leg is giving her trouble, and is super Christian.
- Rosa, a teenage Cuban emigrant. She’s happy to share her memories of Cuba with you, although she mostly found it boring. She gets pissed when you ask her how capitalism is treating her.
- Julius, who’s about 20 and is a 9/11 truther. He unironically tells you that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams.
- Vernon, a white guy in early middle age. He’s friendly, but at one point you see him unload on Nandini when she tells him that everything is part of God’s plan. He’s been through some shit.
- Fatima, who is in her 20s and is super nice to all of you. She’s really trying to get you to sign up for the Sears Gold Mastercard, a product that, technically, all of you should be trying to sell to the customers.
- Cyrus, who flew combat missions in ‘Nam and now wears a plastic boot cast because he fucked up his foot somehow. He’s pretty breezy, and tells you about flying supersonic aircraft with duct tape over cracks in the windows.
- Daniel, who used to sell TVs, and was so good at it that they promoted him to manager, and all he wants is to go back to selling TVs, but he won’t say it outright.
None of them think you guys will last, but they like you alright.
PLAYERS
- Sic Humor – Mr. Burns
Lindsay– VANILLA TOWN- Hohodor – Howard Possum
- Jake – Madison
- D. Goat
PearlSheltie – Ernest Cline– VANILLA TOWN- E-Dog – Shift Lead E-Dog
Elliot Thomas – Roy McAvoy– VANILLA TOWN- Owen – Stephen Sebald, Appliance Tester
- BannerThief
Jon Hamm’s John Ham– VANILLA TOWN- April Ludgate-Karate-Dwyer – Face
Subsaharan– VANILLA TOWN- Hayes – Mel, the OTHER assistant manager
Dr. Nick – Big Jim uh, Balloon Boy– VANILLA TOWN- Mac Crocodile
- Spiny Creature – Bea Santello
Wood Sword – Barney– VANILLA TOWNColonel Mustard – Madysen– VANILLA TOWN- Platypus Basileus – Reaganomics Lamborghini
ROLES
146 vanilla town (Searsonauts)- 1 town-aligned jailer (Janitor)
- 1 town-aligned detective (Manager on Duty)
- 2 vanilla wolves (JC Penney Spies)
- 1 wolf roleblocker (Dr. Robin Þicc)
- 1 serial killer (Unsatisfied Customer)
RULE CLARIFICATIONS
- The investigator role (MOD) will always be backfilled from the vanilla town population. If there are no more vanilla town members left, the role will be left empty.
- The jailer cannot jail themselves, or the same person two days in a row.
- JC Penney forces (wolves) will show up as JC PENNEY on the investigator’s Sears Network Controller. All others come up SEARS.
- The wolves win when they are equal to the number of town-aligned players left.
- Town wins when all the wolves and the serial killer are defeated.
- Serial killer wins when it comes down to just them and one other person.
- A three-way standoff between the last town, last wolf and SK will result in a special ending.
- A tie at the end of day results in No Lynch. A majority of living players voting for any one person (or No Lynch) ends the day early.
- No editing posts.
- No quoting or screencapping from your QTs.
- If you have any other questions about rules, please ask in QT, and I will answer publicly here.
DAY ENDS: 4 p.m. Eastern Tuesday (countdown)