Warning: The following box office report is being presented to you in Godzilla Minus Zero audio, without any form of mercy. If you go deaf, well, that’s really your problem for having ears. Leave now if you want to protect your stupid hearing. Thank you.
HEEEYYYYYYY KIDDDSSSS! IT MAY BE EARLY NOVEMBER, BUT AS FAR AS HOLLYWOOD IS CONCERNED, IT’S OFFICIALLY CHRISTMAS! HO HO HO! DID GODZILLA BRING AUDIENCES COMFORT AND JOY? IS THE CAT IN THE HAT ON THE NAUGHTY LIST? WHAT EVEN IS A “WILD HORSE NINE”? ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED (WELL, EXCEPT FOR WHATEVER THE FUCK A “WILD HORSE NINE” IS, SINCE IT’S NOT EVEN PLAYING WHERE I LIVE YET).
OUR NUMBER ONE MOVIE IS GODZILLA MINUS ZERO, WHICH SOUNDS LIKE THE WORLD’S STUPIDEST WORD PROBLEM, BUT IS INSTEAD A VERY AWESOME AND VERY LOUD MOVIE! AGAIN, YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE GETTING INTO WHEN YOU STARTED READING THIS REPORT. YOU CAN’T BLAME ME FOR NOT WANTING TO BOTHER GIVING YOUR THEATER “BALANCED VOLUME” OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT IS. ANYWAY, MINUS ZERO MADE PLUS $30 MILLION OR SO. DESPITE BEING FRONTLOADED, IT IS EASILY THE BIGGEST AMERICAN OPENING EVER FOR A FOREIGN LANGUAGE LIVE ACTION FILM, SINCE DEMON SLAYER: INFINITY CASTLE OPENED TO MUCH MORE LAST YEAR WITH ROUGHLY HALF OF ITS SHOWTIMES BEING IN JAPANESE. SO THERE’S THAT. ALSO, I AM NOT COUNTING THE FUCKING PASSION OF THE CHRIST AS A FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM. I HAVE SOME STANDARDS.
LESS ENTHUSASTIC IS THE OPENING FOR THE CAT IN THE HAT, WHICH HAD ITS TRAILER ATTACHED TO EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MOVIE SINCE SUPERMAN LAST SUMMER. YOU PROBABLY THOUGHT IT HAD ALRADY COME OUT BY NOW. TOOT FART! DESPITE LOOKING CUTE–AND THE DR. SEUSS BRAND NAME–AUDIENCES JUST DIDN’T SHOW UP FOR THIS ONE. THIS IS THE FIRST FULLY ANIMATED MOVIE FROM THE NEWLY ESTABLISHED WARNER BROS. ANIMATION (WHICH ISN’T EVEN THE FIRST TIME THEY’VE TRIED THAT–YOU BET I’LL USE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO BRING UP QUEST FOR CAMELOT AGAIN!). CAT IS FLAT WITH ONLY $20 MILLION. ALSO, IF YOU AREN’T ENJOYING THE GIMMICK I’M DOING THIS WEEK, JUST REMEMBER I COULD’VE DONE THIS ENTIRE REPORT IN RHYME INSTEAD.
ELSEWHERE, WE HAVE WILD HORSE NINE–NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH WILDWOOD–OPENING ON ROUGHLY 1,000 SCREENS. WITH THAT IN MIND, IT DID REALLY WELL, MAKING IT INTO THE TOP TEN. AS FOR ME I WOULD LOVE TO GO, EXCEPT I HAVEN’T SEEN THE PREVIOUS EIGHT WILD HORSE MOVIES YET. HOPEFULLY THEY ARE ON TUBI. ALSO DOING GREAT IN A LIMITED NUMBER OF VENUES IS RAYMAYANA: RISE OF A LEGEND, INDIA’S MOST EXPENSIVE FILM EVER WHICH IS ALSO APPARENTLY A TWO-PARTER. IT MADE THE TOP FIVE. AND DRUMMER BOY I GUESS MADE GOOD MONEY. I MEAN, IT LOOKED FINE. DECENT EVEN. BUT IT’S ANGEL STUDIOS. WHO KNOWS HOW MANY OF THOSE “SEATS SOLD” ACTUALLY HAD PEOPLE IN THEM. STILL, IT MADE THE TOP THREE.
Jimmy opened.
AS FOR OUR HOLDOVERS, WILDWOOD IS THANKFULLY SHOWING STRONG LEGS. THE BAD NEWS IS IT STILL MIGHT NOT BE PROFITABLE, BUT AT LEAST FOLKS ARE GOING. AND YOU CAN SEE EVERYTHING NOW HAS A CHANCE OF GROSSING $100 MILLION STATESIDE, WHICH WOULD MAKE IT THE FIRST DOCUMENTARY TO DO SO SINCE–YOU GUESSED IT–FARENHEIT 9/11. NOT BAD FOR A FILM BEING SOLD ENTIRELY ON MEMES. UNFORTUNATELY THIS IS ALSO GIVING ELIZABETH HOLMES THE THINGS SHE CRAVES MOST AND DESERVES LEAST–FAME AND ATTENTION. MAYBE SHE CAN BE IN SMILE 3 WHEN SHE GETS OUT OF PRISON/COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
ANYWAY, THE TOP TEN, VIA DEADLINE
1.) Godzilla Minus Zero (Gkids) 3,254 theaters, Fri $14.6M Sat $9.45M Sun $7.56M, 3-day $31.6M/Wk 1
2.) The Cat in the Hat (WB) 4,003 theaters, Fri $6M Sat $8.5M Sun $6M 3-day $20.5M/Wk 1
3.) Drummer Boy (Angel) 2,850 theaters, Fri $3.5M, Sat $3M Sun $2.75M 3-day $9.3M/Wk 1
4.) You Can See Everything (A24) 2,473 (-770) theaters Fri $2.55M (-28%) Sat $3.5M Sun $2.8M 3-day $8.8M (-23%), Total $79.7M/Wk 4
5.) Ramayana: Rise of a Legend (Sony) 1,433 theaters, $2.4M, Sat $3.8M Sun $2.4M 3-day $8.65M, Total $12.1M/Wk 1
6.) Wildwood (Laika/Fath) 2,794 (-211) theaters, Fri $1.8M (-25%) Sat $3M Sun $2.1M, 3-day $7M (-22%) /Total $39.8M/Wk 3
7.) Clayface (WB) 2,946 (-532) theaters, Fri $2M (-39%), 3-day $6.675M (-39%), Total $56.6M/Wk 3
8.) Wild Horse Nine (Sea) 1,100 theaters, Fri $2.47M, Sat $2M Sun $1.5M 3-day $6M/Wk 1
9.) Stray Kids World Tour ‘Run It’ (Traf) 917 theaters, Sat $3.7M/Wk 1
10.) Wicker (Black Bear) 2,081 (-293) theaters, Fri $1.05M (-27%) Sat $1.3M Sun $935K 3-day $3.35M (-23%), Total $19.88M/Wk 3