Sonic Armageddon is often cited as a “cancelled” Sonic the Hedgehog movie. If it had been made, it would’ve starred Sonic, and there would’ve been an Armageddon. Maybe. I mean, I’m going to assume the “Armageddon” wouldn’t have been the cataclysmic battle between Jesus and the Antichrist prophesized in the New Testament (which, c’mon, was written more than 2,000 year ago, we can finally stop calling it “new”). I think it would’ve been the “big boom boom” definition of Armageddon prophesied in The Gospel of Bay. Maybe. It’s possible Sonic might’ve teamed up with Jesus. Remember the “Christian Sonic Fandom”? That was a thing.
Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked from the very important topic of tonight’s header, which is Sonic Armageddon, and calling it a “cancelled” movie might be a rare instance of the word “cancelled” being a generous term. You can’t really cancel something that never existed, and Sonic Armageddon never made it past the pitch stage of production. To make a very long and convoluted story into a short one, it was a doomed project from Archie comics writer and illustrator Ken Penders. If you don’t know who he is, well [INSERT THREE-HOUR VIDEO ESSAY ON THE HISTORY OF KEN PENDERS HERE]. It was intended to be a continuation and/or revival of the 90s Sonic the Hedgehog cartoon made by Dic Entertainment. No, not that one. The other one. Yes, they had two different Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons running at the same time. No, it wasn’t confusing. For the sake of clarification, we’re talking about the one made for furries.
There is, unsurprisingly, almost nothing known about Sonic Armageddon outside of some concept art Penders would eventually share in a very lengthy blog post (I slogged through all of it for the sake of this header, and you can do the same, but it’s Ken Penders, so you know, take it with a grain of salt). We also don’t know if it would’ve been a fully animated film or a mixture of live-action and animation. It was supposedly pitched to DreamWorks–which would suggest the former–although Penders insists that never happened outside of a single interaction with the studio, so who fucking knows (and again, it’s Ken Penders, so while I’m not going to say he’s lying by default, I’m also not going to say he’s not lying, because I’m fair like that). At the risk of Pendering still further, though, it seems unlikely any major studio would’ve had any real interest in concluding a Saturday morning show from a decade prior (at least not as a full theatrical feature), so again, who fucking knows.
Maybe the folks at Sega were the only ones dealing with this nonsense. Maybe the folks at Sega were the cause of all this nonsense, and according to Ken Penders, they absolutely-100%-definitely-totally-no-doubt-about-it-bet-your-mother’s-life-on-it were. Stupid evil Sega. Only they could reject the genius of Sonic Armageddon. Sega was a monster corporation. He was just Ken.
You see, in the early 2000s, Penders had the opportunity to actually make a pitch to Sega. A pitch that included not only the aforementioned concept art, but also a rough trailer. This “animatic” (a debatable term given almost half of it is live-action), according to Penders, was to show what a potential opening sequence for the film would look like. And, curiously enough, it has absolutely nothing whatsoever with an Armageddon. Or Sonic SatAM as the nerds call it. But really, none of my words could ever do this any form of justice. You have to witness the brilliance of the vision for Sonic Armageddon for yourselves.
Yes, this is what Penders showed Sega executives. Just imagine that for a second. Just imagine showing this to the bosses of any studio in the hopes of them going “holy shit, we have to make this! Give this man a blank check!” If I had to guess, those are probably Ken’s kids doing all of the voices in the trailer. It also seems, given it begins with children playing a Sonic video game, that children playing a Sonic video game might’ve been instrumental to the plot in some way. Sonic’s birthday, ominously showcased on a sheet of paper, might’ve been foreshadowing for a terrible event that would take place on that day. An Armageddon, perhaps? Also Sonic might’ve gotten killed by a missile or something. We will never truly know for sure.
Now, the pitch didn’t get rejected because Sega thought it was incomprehensible, nor was it due to it being viewed as utterly amateurish for someone who always felt he was one step ahead of his higher-ups on a creative and intelligent level. No, it was because of a corporate overhaul within the company, at least according to Penders, and I’m certain we can trust him on this despite all of the shade I’ve thrown at him in this header. It was all in good fun. You reading this, Ken? I know you like to Google yourself, so maybe you are. Just trust me when I say I’m not a hater. This was all done in the name of laughter and amusement. So…we good, Ken? Ken? Ken, look, I didn’t use any of your original copyrighted characters in this write-up! I know they mean a lot to you! Ken? I’m starting to get worried, Ken. I meant no harm, Ken. Ken? KEN???
Have the power tonight, y’all. Be safe, be well, be you. As for me, I…think I’m going to hire a lawyer.