A Keller Christmas Vacation continues Hallmark’s attempt to shake up their romcom formula. Three siblings find love on a holiday cruise. They stress over careers, family secrets and past trauma. The crowded screenplay could stand to lose a subplot or two. Brandon Routh underplays and fades into the background. Jonathan Bennett mugs and clowns. Eden Sher finds a tragicomic balance and steals the show from both of them.

This one’s hard to recap, but I’ll give it a try. Spoilers ahead.

The Love Boat

Scene One: The Docks
MOM & DAD: We’re taking a holiday cruise down the Danube! Why so glum Kellers?
BRANDON ROUTH (football coach): My lifelong crush turned me down. Sob.
JONATHAN BENNETT (architect): My neurosurgeon boyfriend rejected my proposal. Whine!
EDEN SHER (unemployed): I lost my job to A.I. WAAH!
MOM & DAD: Now kids, we’re all too wealthy to feel sorry for ourselves.
(A.I. images of past “family vacations” scroll past.)

Scene Two: Gingerbread Contest
OLD MAN: Brandon, you should sleep with my divorced granddaughter.
GRANDDAUGHTER: Shut up grandpa.
CRUISE DIRECTOR: Contestants, build a gingerbread model of a famous building.
JONATHAN BENNETT: The Vienna Opera House!
(The Kellers build the Opera House. Brandon drops it while answering his phone.)
JONATHAN BENNETT: We’ll call it the Ruins of Pompeii.

Scene Three: Bavarian Market
CRUISE DIRECTOR: Go explore. The boat leaves at 7. With or without you. Mwa ha ha!
MOM & DAD: We’re turning in early. One of us is probably dying.
JONATHAN BENNETT: I’m tired of secrets. My neurosurgeon ex won’t marry me because he’s keeping a big secret!
BAVARIAN DANCERS: This drunken homosexual looks sad. Dance with us!
(Jonathan makes a goofy face and does a goofy dance in goofy Lederhosen.)
EDEN SHER: We missed the boat! And it’s fake snowing.
BAVARIAN DANCERS: You can stay in our hotel. And Jonathan can join our orgy!
JONATHAN BENNETT: Nope.
(The siblings squish into a tiny hotel room. Then ride a motorcyle and sidecar to Duggendorf.)

Scene Four: Ships on a Ship
NEUROSURGEON: Surprise! Jonathan, I still love you! Even though you overact!
(Jonathan bugs out his eyes, runs into things, and faints.)
***
OLD MAN: Have you two had sexual intercourse yet?
GRANDAUGHTER: Shut up grandpa. Brandon, what happens on your weird family trips?
BRANDON ROUTH: We split up for subplots, then reconnect. I make sports analogies.
***
CRUISE DIRECTOR: It’s tough being the only staff member on this ship. I’d like to hire you as my photographer.
EDEN SHER: Should I pursue my photography dreams? Or kiss my cute new boss?
CRUISE DIRECTOR: Let’s try both.

Scene Five: Salzburg Market
SIBLINGS: We want to spend time with you! Dad’s clearly dying.
MOM & DAD: Nonsense. Go buy gifts for your love interests!
AUSTRIAN HUSSY: Brandon, would you like to have sexual intercourse?
GRANDDAUGHTER: Back off. He’s mine.
BRANDON ROUTH: Am I? I guess it’s time to wrap up some subplots.
JONATHAN BENNETT Plots, schmots. Let’s sing Christmas Carols! FA LA LA!
(Dad collapses.)
DAD: I have stage one Parkinson’s disease.
NEUROSURGEON: I knew it the whole time. Merry Christmas!

Scene Six: Vienna, Christmas Eve
JONATHAN BENNETT: I’m building a center for people with Parkinson’s. Money solves everything!
NEUROSURGEON: You proposed with a novelty Christmas tree ring. Clearly money doesn’t buy taste.
JONATHAN BENNETT: Do you have a better ring?
NEUROSURGEON: Yes. And I’ll propose on a Ferris wheel. Like Love, Simon and Love, Victor!
BRANDON ROUTH: “I know this is one Keller Family Adventure that I’ll never forget!”
DAD: Did I mention I used to be a competitive figure skater?
BRANDON ROUTH: I’m not sure. This film has a lot going on.
(The sons take their father’s arms and guide him across a skating rink.)

THE END

A Lot Going On

Hallmark likes to shame people for their careers. Yet here the Keller vacation is a result of their wealth and privilege.  This makes Eden Sher’s complaints about the bad economy ring false. We learn she’s worked as a food courier and a data analyst. Her parents encourage her to give these up for the world of freelance photography. Why hasn’t her influential family helped her find a more lucrative job? Best not to ask.

Screenwriter Tracy Andreen also co-wrote 2022’s The Holiday Sitter. Bennet’s clownish turn there felt insane next to his calmer co-stars. Here we’re getting a smaller dose. He can energize the film without overwhelming it. I prefer his more nuanced turn in The Christmas House 2: Deck Those Halls. The fact that I can compare and contrast is impressive. This is his ninth gay Hallmark turn in six years. The commitment is admirable.

For more Hallmark recaps check out Afropig’s fantastic Hallmark Countdown to Christmas series. You can find more of my reviews on The Avocado, Letterboxd and Serializd. My podcast, Rainbow Colored Glasses, can be found here.