So last time in this series of nonsensical ramblings, I reviewed some of the lovely castles we have on this fair isle that we call the US of K.
Well in this next instalment, we’ll be looking at a different kind of civil engineering – bridges. Bridges have traditionally been used to cross all kinds of things; water, land, other bridges, etc. The possibilities really are limitless, provided you need to span a finite distance above ground and nothing else. Bridges would be no good for, say, reaching the Earth’s core. Yet.
So strap yourself in and get ready for some red hot bridge action!
Tyne Bridge
The Tyne Bridge is an iconic landmark of the North-East of England. It provides a much-needed way to escape Gateshead, both by car and on foot, as well as housing over seventy colonies of pigeons with incredibly bad diarrhoea. There is an almost identical version of this bridge down the road in nearby Sunderland, but talking about that in Newcastle is punishable by being laughed at and then having to chat about football for twenty minutes.
Bridge Rating: B+
Forth Bridge
The Forth Bridge connects Edinburgh to all the other bits of Scotland you’ve never bothered to visit. It’s actually a railway bridge, so it’s quite common to see tourists stuck on the train tracks and waving their hands around in the air comically. It is painted bright orange to allow barnstorming aircraft to spot it more easily in poor weather. This change was prompted by an accident during the 1900 Highland Games, where the event organisers tragically realised that nobody had invented powered flight yet.
Bridge Rating: 100 bridges
The Iron Bridge
The Iron Bridge was constructed in a Shropshire town called Ironbridge. Historians are uncertain which name came first. Despite the moniker, the bridge is actually made from a locally-sourced mineral called “Melcerite”, which is a substance with the exact same chemical and physical properties of iron.
Bridge Rating: Two bridges up, Gene.
Carrick-a-Rede Rope Bridge
The Carrick-a-Rede rope bridge is probably most famous for its appearance in the climax of the Steven Spielberg/George Lucas movie, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Despite numerous, incredibly racist allusions to that movie being set in British Raj/India, the film was actually intended to be a candid analysis of Northern Ireland in the 1980’s. Critics were divided at the time.
George Lucas once described the outcome as, “The greatest shame of my adult life,” at a press conference for The Phantom Menace.
Bridge Rating: An endless stream of fart noises
Humber Bridge
When the Humber Bridge first opened in 1981, it was the longest bridge of its type in the world. Nobody gave a shit then and nobody gives a shit now. I bet you’ve never even heard of Hull, have you? I’ve been there several times and I had to Google it twice just to remind myself. Let’s move along, shall we?
Bridge Rating: ♣️♥️♠️♦️
Tees Transporter Bridge
The Tees Transporter Bridge is a crane that thinks it’s a bridge. Or perhaps it’s a ferry. I think the idea is that you pay to clamber into a Restoration era gazebo, suspended from a chain, and it takes you to the other side. When you get to the other side of the Tees River, a local man will berate you for wasting his time bothering to use this misuse of taxpayer’s money. Then he gives you a little sticker and sends you back across. A fun day for all the family!
Bridge Rating: Clearly not a bridge
Tower Bridge
Tower Bridge was specifically designed to look much older than it is, much like my face. There’s a smug, local myth that a lot of tourists erroneously refer to this bridge as “London Bridge”, because it’s probably the most well known bridge in London and people just assume that’s what it is called. Well let me tell you now, both sides are wrong; the real London Bridge is a bar my cousin owns near King’s Cross train station and, should you ever visit the UK, that’s where you need to head instead.
Also, yes, £8 for a pint of beer is perfectly normal, don’t query it.
Bridge Rating: No refunds
Clifton Suspension Bridge
Right, first of all, Brunel helped design this bridge and that means it gives Jeremy Clarkson a boner. I cannot approve of that.
Secondly, despite having been in use since 1864 it is still a toll bridge.
Another pork barrel project by the Tory government, folks. Frankly disgusted.
Bridge Rating: Suspended
Jeff Bridges as a bridge
Apparently, Jeff did an advertisement for Amstel Bier that I was not aware of. It has been on the television here since… April 29th?! Fuck me, I don’t really watch TV, I had no idea. Well, hopefully this synergy will bring me in those sweet, sweet clicks. This revelation has also completely undermined the comedic intent of this article now.
Ugh, I need to relax… with the cool refreshing taste of Amstel Bier®.
The Mersey Gateway
I’ve never heard of this bridge but it has a score of 1.9 on Google reviews.
Who reviews a bridge, I ask you? Let’s see some of the choicest comments:
“It’s a bridge, you drive over it…“ ★★★☆☆
“Disgusting, not only is it a money making business and the signage is disgraceful but if you go over it you only have 24 hours to pay!!!!” ★☆☆☆☆
“Multiple signs informing how to pay and given 24 hours to do so. The endless whining of motorists in the UK is unreal.“ ★★★☆☆
Bridge Rating: Inconclusive
Do you have a favourite bridge? If you do, make sure you review it on Google, otherwise mankind might stop making them! Then we’ll all need canoes or helicopters, probably.
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