“Cheerio.
This was originally going to be a Monsters, Inc. header. However, I am Mr. Peanut, and have no interest whatsoever in writing about that. I’d much rather talk about your favorite mascot (me) and the jokes I’ve become famous for (dick puns).
Yes, after my ‘Baby Peanut’ phase, I had no idea how I was going to top such a well-received marketing campaign. And then, it hit me. I’m a nut! And what does Gen Z love these days? That’s right. Dez nuts!
You see, I found my true calling. Instead of merely engaging with my fans encouraging them to eat my own kind, I could also make clever references to human testicles. And I could do it over and over again. Marketing is all about crass comedy these days! ‘Fix your sit!’ I heard that recently in a commercial for a chair. They said it more than once, just to make sure I got the joke. ‘Sit’ rhymes with ‘shit’, in case you didn’t know.
Yes, yes, some will complain that I’m ‘no longer your grandpa’s peanut’, and I get it. I just don’t care. Just like I don’t care when you ask for me to bring back P.B. Crisps. THEY AREN’T COMING BACK, JOSH! I LOST THE RECIPE! So when I’m not trying to kill Scrat by tricking him into eating me, I spend my free time trying to come up with nut/penis jokes that will make everyone want to feast on my products. Or ‘eat my nuts,’ so to speak.
Yes, you read that right. I am also making references to my sex life, which I absolutely have (Mr. Clean no longer returns my calls, but that’s his loss! I’m pretty sure he’s dead anyway). So even if you weren’t going to buy peanuts, I’m sure you’re hungry for them now, since I’ve forced you to think about me, Mr. Peanut, getting filthy in the nutsack. And that is very funny. And sexy.
Huh? I don’t remember posting that one. That doesn’t even make sense. ‘Salty nuts’ spelled backwards is…well, it’s gibberish. You see why I have to make sex jokes? I don’t know what I’m saying otherwise. But seriously, was I drunk when I said that? Or did one of my many partners hijack my phone when they were having sweaty peanut sex with me? Speaking of, did you know the Starbucks Siren originally had bare breasts on her logo? I’m not joking. I also think she is the one who stole my phone. Google ‘original Starbucks logo’ if you don’t believe me, by the way.
Have a nutty night, y’all! Stay nutty! Eat my nuts! I’m not lonely! I mean, I’m NUT lonely! Ha, ha! Nuts!”