Star Trek: Voyager – Season 5, Episode 23
The cheesy Hallmark Channel Christmas romance movie has become a well-known meme that’s already been through several cycles of self-reference and parody. The classic template is of a big city gal cooling her high heels in some small town only to meet some chiseled, stubbly hunk who shows her where the real heart lives. And there’s a dog too, of course. Many years before this by-the-numbers TV movie formula ever became a well-known pop culture meme, it was done by none other than Star Trek: Voyager in one of its oddest and most head-scratching episodes ever. Unfortunately, there is no dog to be found here. It really could have used one.
I can’t emphasize enough how odd and totally out of left-field this episode is. Because of that reason, I remember absolutely detesting it when it first aired. There’s certainly a lot to criticize it for, but on rewatch it’s not actively terrible. Or maybe it is. Within the context of Voyager (and Star Trek as a whole), it’s just so weird.
It’s a pretty rote holiday romance story that takes place in the twilight weeks of the year 2000, awkwardly shoved into the framework of Voyager’s present day. It drops some random minor Trek world-building stuff, slapdash character development, and wraps it up (heh) with an incredibly questionable message that clashes with Star Trek’s future-minded optimism.
The episode starts with Neelix awkwardly infodumping some Earth history to Captain Janeway; apparently him and Paris have been learning about each other’s planets and trying to stump one another about their histories. Whoa mama, these two troublemakers really need to cool it! Save some badass for the rest of us, you freaks.
This gives Janeway the opportunity to awkwardly infodump some of her own family history and how it relates to a big Earth project, the Millennium Gate. Oh, cool, a gateway to the new millennium? Is that some kind of hyperdrive transport system? An experimental time travel device? A super-duper particle accelerator?
Nah, it’s a fucking building.
Oh, but like a building that launches spacecraft, right? Or some type of space elevator base that reaches up to the stars? A colossal structure that allows us to see even farther into the infinite reaches of the ancient universe…?
Nope, it’s a fucking biosphere shopping mall.
There’s so much that’s wrong with this central plot point, both from within the confines of the story and outside of it. First of all, the name – which sounds objectively cool – is completely at odds with what it actually is. As the Ferengi say, never be afraid to mislabel a product!
And because apparently this large corporate-sponsored biosphere tower was so important for the advancement of humanity that it’s still a well-known thing 300 years later? The episode doesn’t make it clear, but recorded aerial images that Seven views in astrometrics imply that it even still exists in the 24th century? If so, that’s impressive I guess. But highly improbable? What are the odds that any current skyscraper today will still be standing in three centuries? These things get deprecated pretty quickly, not to mention the rocky history Earth is in for in the Star Trek timeline. After all, WWIII is still on the horizon (and that whole other genetic superman world war from the 1990’s that maybe didn’t happen?). Not to mention that very tall urban megastructures did not have the best time in 2001… 😬
Which leads into another silly thing about the plot point (and the episode), which is how dated it all is. This isn’t the first time that Voyager (the show) has visited this general time period; it was accidentally thrown back in time to the 90’s for Season 3’s “Future’s End” two-parter. Those episodes were kind of wacky and fun, this one is much more bizarre and lame, even though it only takes place like six years later. Of course Janeway’s ancestor name drops the Y2K bug that turned out to be a big nothingburger, and has to pedantically underline that the new millennium actually starts at the beginning of 2001, not 2000…
I’m getting ahead of myself, but the episode is so aggressively dated as a turn of the century/millennium time capsule piece of entertainment. As someone who came of age in that period (class of 2000!), it brought back a lot of memories about how everything was new millennium this, new millennium that. Not to mention witnessing firsthand how this brand spanking new century/millennium immediately turned to absolute shit and has mostly stayed there ever since…
Whoa, happy holidays everyone! 🎄🎄🎄
All right, let me reset here.
So, Neelix’s Earth history nerdery inspires Janeway to pontificate about how one of her ancestors was instrumental in getting the Millennium Gate off the ground (so to speak), and was also a famed astronaut – Shannon O’Donnell. Janeway recalls hearing many a tale of this remarkable woman at her family gatherings and how it inspired her to also reach for the stars. She launches into how big of an architect she was in the project and how she was flown in by the governor of Indiana himself.
Except the flashback fades into a penniless Ms. O’Donnell driving through the middle of nowhere in her beat-up station wagon. She even narrates herself on her captain’s log, AKA a tape recorder. For some reason.
In one of the episode’s many peculiar choices, it decides to roll with the theme that for all of Janeway’s knowledge (not to mention her family’s many heroic retellings), she actually has zero clue about who Shannon O’Donnell really was. This is a theme that Voyager made great use of in the previous season’s “Living Witness,” the idea that past events get so fragmented and lost that future interpretations become hilariously inaccurate. That was an entertaining and resonant episode because it got a lot of comedy and drama out of how wrong people were about the past.
But here? It ends up being a very weird story choice. More on that in a bit.
Anyway, Shannon (the spitting image of Kathryn Janeway, of course – her family must have those Soong genetics) ends up in Portage Creek, IN – the future site of the Millennium Gate! Rolling through the icy streets of the town (with decorations from Christmas still up), she immediately gets into a fender bender that puts her jalopy down for the count. She’s trying to get to Florida, but is completely bereft of the resources to do so. She ducks into a nearby bookstore, Alexandria Books (🚨THEMATICALLY RELEVANT NAME🚨). There she Meet-Cutes its owner… Henry Janeway! And his teenage son Jason. HEY WAIT, THAT’S THE NAME OF…!!! His middle name is probably “Love Interest.” I think it’s Dutch.
So, long story short: the entire town is set to be bulldozed for the location of the Millenium Gate Nakatomi Tower Plaza Business Center Eco-Ward. Every business and resident has apparently already SOLD OUT to The Man bro, except for one stubborn and heroic book store owner who defiantly stands in the way of corporate progress.
You’re probably guessing that the gallant and immovable Henry Janeway wins out against this huge big business project? That his brave and stalwart stand beats back the creeping corporatizing of small town America and he earns a victory as the whole town claps while the snow drifts down?
Oh, no no no… Oh, heavens no.
Nah, everyone else in the town is waiting for him to sell, and it’s implied here and there that they’re really not fans of him for stopping progress. The town already seems like a hollowed-out husk of a community and Henry’s bookstore never has any customers in it (despite it looking like a totally kickass place). He has many anti-Millennium Gate flyers printed out and leads a futile resistance against the huge glass and steel windmill. I MEAN TOWER, WINK WINK.
The episode paints Henry as a somewhat delightful Luddite codger who’s eternally stuck in the past and is constantly making dorky references to classical antiquity (he literally refers to coffee as “nectar of the gods,” guffaw). Shannon immediately offers to help him with his cause using this crazy new thing called email. Have you heard about it? Stock quotes, school research, buying plane tickets, fighting The Man. You can do all this on a computer now!
Henry coldly rebuffs her and a hurt Shannon goes to leave before begging one more time for a job. His son joins in, and his eyes seem to say, “C’mon dad, she’s practically throwing herself at your ancient ass and it’s not like anyone else can stand you, including kinda me.” Henry hesitantly agrees to give her a job, and the romance positively radiates off the screen. After all, every classic Meet-Cute starts with a desperate, financially-hobbled woman out of options being taken in by a socially-isolated guy with his head up his ass who barely wants her around. But where’s the dog??? THERE’S SUPPOSED TO BE A DOG.
These two scintillating romantic leads sit down to a beer, where we learn that a Texas-based company has chosen Portage Creek as its site for the tower, and the town’s government has bent over backwards to give them as many breaks as they can to build it. The company is way over-paying everyone in their way, and many of Henry’s old friends have turned against him.
As dated as the episode is, it’s also sadly (and infuriatingly) prescient. Let’s see: an out-of-state corporation wants to literally steamroll a community so it can build a gigantic gaudy tower that will house thousands of people’s homes and businesses. The elected officials who should be representing the concerns and well-being of its citizens are only too happy to toss out any regulations or red tape that could stand in their way. The lone business owner – whose family has owned their book store for generations – has become an outcast by a community that is more concerned with licking the boots of their future corporate overlords than in asking what the hell is happening to not only their town, but their whole country?
And spoiler alert: the episode’s ultimate message is that this guy is actually the cotton-headed ninny muggins who needs to get out of the way of progress and sell, sell, sell!
LOL, does this episode take place in the fucking Mirror Universe?
Anywho, the dynamic of Henry as the stuck-in-the-past curmudgeon (he’s never even left Indiana) and Shannon as the bold and adventurous anywhere-but-here gal is hit pretty hard here and throughout the episode. She seems pretty cagey about the particulars of her old career, DUN DUN DUN…
Suddenly, the big bad construction vehicles roll into town, along with their stuffed suit spokesman Gerald Moss, the MOUTH OF SAURON INC. HIMSELF. He’s determined to break ground on construction on day one of the new millennium. Do these workers not even get New Years Day off? LOL, figures.
This is all delivered in an action news segment, in which Henry mouths off to Gerald live on TV! But Gerald’s company is also considering alternate sites if they can’t get Henry’s Creek locked down. Again, it’s all very prescient to the present day as we see the at times ferocious local reactions to new proposed Amazon fulfillment centers and how they occasionally get rebuffed to their second or third choices (awwww…😥).
Henry and Shannon have a romatic-ish dinner in – of course – Henry’s book shop. It’s more trading soft barbs and underlining character traits than compelling romantic discourse, but that’s about what I would expect from Voyager (or far worse). Rather than making us root for them as a couple, their scenes just illustrate how fundamentally mismatched they are. Or maybe I’m wrong and every wide-eyed woman who lusts for adventure dreams of being tied down to a stubborn man who will only leave his hometown over his dead body. Also, the age difference is… not ideal? Even this guy’s son is like “Maybe you should sell, dad? I don’t necessarily want to make bookstoring my forever career?”
Back in the present, Janeway assigns Seven the super important task of researching her family history. Seven hilariously point out that this woman is 15 generations removed from Janeway and that they barely share any genetic material. LOL, I love her – “who cares, you two have like maybe 10 base pairs in common.” But of course Janeway couches this as another important lesson in humanity for Seven, and underlines how she never would have gone into Starfleet if not for Shannon’s proud example (I know how she feels, my great-great-great-great grandfather made a name for himself writing overly long recaps of local theater productions that only he found hilarious). And this research is so important to Janeway that she pawns off all the work on Seven. LOL, seriously?
Paris and Neelix are quizzing each other about ancient Earth’s wonders of the world. Like seriously guys: can you stop being so irresistibly badass? People are trying to get work done here. And of course, the one wonder that Neelix can’t remember is filled in by Seven: the… wait for it… Lighthouse of Alexandria! 🚨SHIT JUST GOT THEMATICALLY RELEVANT🚨 This has literally zero bearing on the plot, but whatever.
“DONG! Ensign Dong, report to the bridge!”
(Neelix memorizing Earth’s history is so dorky and lame, BTW. This guy is such a lapdog for his adopted overlords. I know Paris is supposedly doing the same with Talaxian history, but we’re only told that and never shown. Neelix, you don’t have to simp so hard for the Federation, they take in anyone.)
Neelix offers to help Seven with her research, because I guess this guy can’t sit still unless he’s serving someone. We do get the hilarious tidbit that one of Seven’s ancestors was a 22nd century prize fighter nicknamed “Buttercup.” Hey, now THAT’s thematically relevant! When discussing the possibility of Seven having children someday, Neelix refers to the potential kid as “Seven of 9.5,” which is honestly funny.
Seven is unable to find any historical references to Shannon O’Donnell, but Neelix is able to track down a family photo of her as an old lady from, funny enough, a Ferengi database.
In the past, Shannon is approached by Mr. Moss in a bar. He’s done some research on her and has learned she’s an out-of-work aerospace engineer. He casually mentions this is a thing for some reason, but some more background would have been helpful. Why is it tough for aerospace engineers in 2000? In a setting like the film Interstellar where space exploration is super low priority this kind of thing would make sense, but it’s not made clear in this setting why that is.
Anyway, Moss wants O’Donnell to try and sway Henry Janeway and even offers to use his connections to find her a cushy consulting job. Moss, you slick, silver-tongued bastard! You won’t be happy until you’ve murdered not only this town, but committed infanticide on this newborn romance! That kind of moxy will surely get you to the highest C-suite GAFAM roles, big dog.
Shannon wakes to find Jason in charge of the store. Henry is out on a supply run due to all the local suppliers boycotting him because they hate him so much. And I’m sure they’re all union guys who always vote straight Republican. Also, there’s a news camera doing a 24/7 vigil on the front door of Alexandria Books to see if the guy cracks. Which no doubt also has the unintended (or intended?) effect of focusing even more of the public’s ire on this embattled man.
JESUS H. CHRYSLER, THIS IS A CAPITALIST DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMARE.
Henry, you should be making Upton Sinclair references, not classical Greek ones. But that would require the Voyager writers to a) progress beyond Writing 101 and b) have any greater understanding of the material they themselves are writing beyond the most paper-thin level.
Henry finally returns and makes a voluminous Iliad reference upon entering the room. Classic Henry! Shannon not-so-slyly starts trying to upsell Henry on the merits of the Millennium Gate. Classic… Shannon? It goes over about as well as you’d expect, and Henry kicks her out of his place. Nice. This is… not problematic at all. Every great Meet-Cute involves the dude literally making the woman homeless after she dares to question his beliefs. It’s like the old saying: if you love someone, yadda yadda, make ’em sleep in their car until they realize what side their bread is buttered on. 😍
Also storming out the door: Jason! We get the hilarious vantage point of the camera still pointed at the shop’s front door as Jason storms out, followed by his father impotently calling after him. LOL, a Channel 3 Action News Exclusive! The close-up implosion of a family as a direct result of unfettered corporate growth.
This might be the most LITERALLY INSANE hour of Voyager ever.
In the present, the crew hangs out in Janeway’s quarters trading heroic SPACE ANECDOTES about their SPACE ANCESTORS. Harry tells an actually entertaining one about one of his forebearers who piloted a six month deep space ship to a far away world. The rest of the crew was in stasis for the long journey, but when the ship arrives, there’s no actual planet – it was a sensor glitch all along. The guy doesn’t bother to wake the crew (because what would be the point?) and just turns it around for another six month journey back to Earth. Upon returning, the crew awakes and wonders why they never left Earth.
During this session, Paris starts blabbing about his ancestors and the Mars missions. Shannon O’Donnell supposedly took part in those missions, but Paris with his apparently photographic memory of all things Mars related, helpfully mansplains that no, she didn’t. The way this is revealed is inelegant as all hell, and the timeline is pretty wonky. 🎵In the year two thousand🎵, Shannon is a middle-aged woman but somehow also took part in manned Mars missions like 30 years later? How does that possibly make sense to Janeway?
While (finally) doing her own research on O’Donnell (and not finding anything), Janeway muses to Chakotay about how wrong future historians might be about Voyager and its exploits. Janeway realizes how completely wrong she was about Shannon’s life, and how the entire narrative she had constructed about her and the Millenium Gate was false. “Don’t be too hard on her, she may not have known she was supposed to live up to your expectations,” Chakotay replies ruefully. Holy shit, that is an absolutely savage line. Take that, Captain Delusional! This guy does not care if he has a job tomorrow.
Despite that complete skewering from her first officer, Janeway doesn’t seem that broken up about it. Which is fine, and I guess an objectively mature and rational response. But… she also spoke about how this ancestor of hers was the very reason she became a Starfleet explorer, a shining beacon of hope that propelled her into deep space. The fact that she was so completely wrong about it makes Janeway seem kinda foolish in the first place. Because the information that proved her wrong was apparently not that hard to find in the first place. You’d think someone in the family would have looked this stuff up or confirmed it if it was so important? Or did they go off of one drunk aunt’s recollection and just rolled with it, generation after generation?
Not only that, but the nonchalant way Janeway shrugs it off is just… so unsatisfying and dramatically inert. If she doesn’t care about it that much, why should we as the viewer? This is endemic of Voyager’s style, though. The show has this bonkers way of coming up with potentially compelling stories, only to Matrix-dodge every single interesting angle it could take and arrive at the blandest and most forgettable final products possible. It’s really uncanny.
In the case of this episode, was the present-day historical investigation of Shannon that necessary to the plot? If Janeway ends up not caring, and if it doesn’t result in any character development for her, then it’s all fat that could have been trimmed. It could have been more resonant for Janeway to continue believing the hype in a minimal wraparound story while we see the actual truth for ourselves. That this important but totally forgotten story that will never be known by their descendants just fades into the mists of history is sadly poignant. All these moments, tears in the rain, etc. The past story is in desperate need of more attention anyway, and could have benefited from the extra time excising the present day scenes would have provided. But what do I know?
ZILCH, THAT’S WHAT.
Back in 2000, the news station is doing a hilarious literal COUNTDOWN TO MIDNIGHT. I guess if Henry can hold off until the clock strikes 12, then this unnamed Texas company will turn back into a pumpkin? It’s so silly, this corporation with all of its construction vehicles literally standing at the ready, waiting for the stubborn Fight the Power groundhog that is Henry Janeway to pop his head out. If he doesn’t, it will be six more weeks of winter quarterly earnings! Oh, the fiscal horror.
In a bar, Shannon sits with Gerald Moss as he laments that they’ll have to make Canton, OH their new site since one pigheaded man stands in the way of progress. Shannon is ready to split to Florida, but Gerald assures her that he’ll make good on his job offer to her, just in Canton and not Henry’s Creek. Jason barges in (anyone check this young man’s ID? No?) and is in a panic about his dad. Apparently there’s a huge mob outside his shop and the police are there. Well if the cops are present, then I’m sure it will be fine. It’s not like their primary mission is to defend and enforce the interests of the 1%. Henry, you are a dead, dead man. 💀
Shannon refuses to help the man who made her homeless and gets going on the road to her next destination. Because to do otherwise would just be kooky. The End.
Oh actually, no. She goes back, of course! How could she resist the lure of this pasty, indoorsy man who’s completely unsuited to her as a romantic partner?
Pulling her car up to the scene of the media circus with like five minutes to go, Shannon pounds on Henry’s shop door. Let me in, Henry! To your heart. He finally relents, as the protagonists in the best love stories do.
They reignite their argument and they don’t seem to get anywhere until Shannon hits him with this humdinger of a line: “I’m stuck in the future, you’re stuck in the past, but maybe we could… get unstuck in the present.”
I think I can feel my heart growing three sizes! Or maybe I’ve been ignoring my cholesterol for too long. It wouldn’t be a cheesy holiday romance story if one of the characters didn’t distill (and solve) their entire personality conflict down to a deftly-written and emotionally-delivered line.
And… it literally does. Henry, who has dedicated his entire existence to stopping the Millennium Tower from being built, goes “OK.” Did he realize his stubbornness was dooming him and his son’s life? Did he remember the true holiday spirit of giving to others? Was it the first concrete chance of maybe getting laid in years? Who’s to say.
With a literal minute to spare, they rush outside so that Henry can turn his shop’s sign (and the entire town’s status) from Open… to Closed. The look on Moss’ face is hilarious, he’s got this pitiful hangdog expression, as if to say, “Please, Henry. I’ve been such a good boy this year. Let me steamroll your community!” Upon flipping the sign, everyone erupts in applause! The camera pulls back as the people realize their greatest dream of living in a corporate-controlled company town. Awww!
Oh, but the schmaltz doesn’t end there! In the present, Neelix calls Janeway to the mess hall where he’s gathered the senior staff to celebrate a new holiday he just pulled out of his spotted Talaxian ass: Ancestor’s Eve! He’s like, “Hey you know how everything you believed about your destiny and family history was a lie? Well, I’ve just created another lie to make you feel better about that lie! After all, a lie multiplied by a lie equals the truth, right?”
Neelix has a framed print of Shannon’s family photo to give Janeway to put on her shelf. Janeway thanks him, but isn’t sure she has a place there anymore.
Oh my god, WOW.
Holy shit, WOWWWWW.
OK, THAT is absolutely stone cold savage. Captain Janeway is so disillusioned by this easily disproven fairy tale she had about one of her ancestors that she’s willing to totally excise this poor woman from her family tree. Saw that fucker off and toss it into the wood chipper, you, you… non-space exploring… consultant!
The rest of the crew, even Seven and fucking Tuvok of all people are like, “Damn Captain, what the hell. She meant something to you, so maybe don’t be a sourpuss about the gift we got you? If it wasn’t for her, you never would have gotten into Starfleet.”
To which, Janeway responds, “Yeah, and I would have never got y’all stuck here in the Delta Quadrant.”
That is literally, 100% what she actually says.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
IS.
THIS.
EPISODE.
I take it all back, that line is the most absolutely savage one here, and possibly the whole show. The crew is all gathered here to show you the true meaning of Ancestry.com and that your progenitor Shannon O’Donnell was a worthwhile human being despite her not being Space Amelia Earhart. And your response is, “Well, it’s her fault you’re all stuck here. How much do you love her now? Happy holidays, fuckos.”
I also take back what I said about the not-so-great writing in this episode. It’s not bad writing. It was just written by someone who hates the holidays, romance, and togetherness. 🎵 You’re a mean one, Ronald D. Grinch. You have tube grubs in your teeth! 🎵
Whoo. The Doctor mercifully refocuses everyone’s attention for a group photo. Janeway gives an almost sarcastic toast “To family.” Like, Mulgrew doesn’t even try to act like she’s emotionally swayed by this moment at all. It’s nuts. The camera pans to the photo of Shannon and then zooms into the past where she takes another photo with her family. I guess no one else got the memo that they were also supposed to be wearing unconvincing old age makeup.
The Actual End.
Holy shit, this is a crazy one. I think my brain inverted a few times while both watching it and writing this. Not since Enterprise’s dreadful “Cogenitor” have I witnessed an episode of Star Trek totally miss the point and ending up on the completely wrong side of an issue. Having watched the billionaire class’ ever-worsening war on the 99% from when I first saw this episode back in the 90’s now casts this episode in an awful light. Many of the story’s details border on nonsensical, and all to tell a totally jaw-dropping, wrong-headed tale where the little guy loses everything to the soulless corporation. And this is treated as a happy holiday ending. Contrast this with Deep Space Nine’s entertaining pro-union “Bar Association” to see how totally off base “11:59” falls.
And this is all the backdrop for a not-at-all compelling romantic tale. There’s nary a trace of chemistry between the two characters, and if we hadn’t been explicitly told “These two end up married,” I wouldn’t have guessed that was to be the outcome.
And structurally, it’s such an oddball Trek outing. I appreciate when the franchise gets experimental, but for the episode to do a straight-up flashback to fill in a story that didn’t need to be told and transforming itself into a completely different genre altogether is just so kooky. There’s no character advancement for anyone, least of all the person this episode is about. When it first aired I had no idea what was happening, and several decades later I still don’t. I wanted to give it a chance upon rewatch, but based on its themes alone I have to put it on the absolute bottom of Star Trek episodes. A totally grave miscalculation all around.
Full disclosure: I’ve never actually seen one of those cheesy Hallmark Channel holiday movies. They look too bland and unremarkable to pique my tastes, even for bad entertainment. But I do enjoy the memes that poke fun at the formulaic aspects of these made-for-TV romps. I would guess for those that ironically partake of these, there might be some comfort in how rote and predictable they are. Like draping oneself in a warm blanket on a cold night, I’m sure it’s comfort viewing to many. I certainly don’t always want to be maximally challenged by entertainment all the time. “11:59” is too politically angering and structurally bizarre to fall into that category by virtue of its truly weird choices. But it does provide some crazy holiday-flavored entertainment value and as an artifact of Star Trek it’s definitely unique as a misadventure for the ages.
It really could have used a dog, though.
Stray Observations:
- The Doctor joins in on the crew’s family history sharing by revealing that his “cousin” was a prize-winning chess program. It’s delightful.
- I really like Harry’s story, and this was one of several sparse portraits of what early space exploration was like for humanity in the Star Trek universe. Maybe it’s ultimately a misguided notion, but I think a show set in this time period would be fruitful. This seems like what Star Trek: Enterprise was supposed to be, but that show missed the mark in several ways. And it took place farther into the future than the period Harry is talking about. We’ve gotten more than enough prequels as it is, and such a series might be too outside the bounds of what even constitutes Star Trek.
- The bookstore in this episode is objectively cool as fuck. Again, you know how wrong this episode is because everyone is trying to get these beautiful place torn down. The hell, man.
- It’s the faintest of praise, but I was glad that the kid didn’t have some age-inappropriate sagely wisdom to share. He’s just a teenager.
