Welcome my friends to the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs!
The NHL Past is the NHL Past
We’re off to the Quarterfinals, but first let’s recap the First Round of NHL Playoff action!
The New York Rangers smacked around the Washington Capitals so hard every time they close their eyes they’re on a planet in which apes evolved from men; only to be smacked around by the Ape New York Rangers so hard every time they close their eyes, they’re back on a planet in which men evolved from apes; only to be smacked around by the…!
The New York Islanders however were so thoroughly bullied by the Carolina Hurricanes that the Islanders wrote a letter to Mr. Henshaw, asking why their father doesn’t love them anymore!
All of us have an El Guapo; for some shyness is an El Guapo. Unfortunately for the Tampa Bay Lightning, their El Guapo was a plethora of goals from the Florida Panthers!
The Boston Bruins dragged down a Toronto Maple Leafs team in a series so plodding, self-indulgent, and passively nonaggressive I kept wondering when Billy Jack would intervene
The NHL is in revolt! Soon there only be five Kings; the Kings of Los Angeles that Repeatedly get Beatdown by the Edmonton Oilers, the King of Spades, the King of Clubs, the King of Hearts and the King of Diamonds!
The Vancouver Canucks tossed around Nashville so unscrupulously that the Predators will spend the offseason scurrying around like the confused cat in the background of a Chaturbate livestream(not that I would know what that looks like)
The Winnipeg Jets embarrassed their country against the hard charging Colorado Avalanche so badly that Canada Geese tell everyone they’re from East Rutherford, New Jersey!
The Vegas Golden Knights were such a galactic failure against the Dallas Stars that an angry and confused Darth Vader strangled the Commodores; rocketing “Love Will Keep Us Together” by Admiral & Tennille to the top of the charts!
But, all that is in the past! Let see what’s in store in the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Quarterfinals with help from newly discovered Nostradamus quatrains
New York Rangers vs Carolina Hurricanes
Nostradamus’ Prophecy: From the ashes of long dead Hartford comes a Hurricane of Carolina proportions; The maelstrom of ice shall advance to wreck havoc upon the Apple; The whirlwind reaps as the sky freezes; With wooden swords, the Rangers of the New City shall rise to turn back the coming surge; In an instant a great flame shall engulf those in her wake; And in the Garden shall grow anew!
My Prediction: Rangers in 6
Florida Panthers vs Boston Bruins
Nostradamus’ Prophecy(BTW, I hope you’re reading these in Orson Welles’ voice): Standing at the gates of advancement stand the Old Order of Boston. The Bruin guardians of the past guard the secret to immortality; Then cast from the Sunshine, a Florida Panther must rise from the chaos; On the field of Mars Its primal roar will wake the sleeper and cure the sick; In the city that the Cat enters, the Bear struggles to keep pace!
My Prediction: Panthers in 5
Vancouver Canucks vs Edmonton Oilers
Nostradamus’ Prophecy: Usurping the Monarch of the City of Angels, covered in the black blood of the earth, a new Antichrist shall emerge; All tremble at the name Edmonton Oilers; Until from the depths of Vancouver , a young Orca will be born of Canucks; They who by the tongue will seduce a great troop; This fame will stand against the darkness of the tar sands; The battle for the soul of the Dominion will rage upon the White North!
My Prediction: Oilers in 5
Dallas Stars vs Colorado Avalanche
Nostradamus’ Prophecy: The Heavens are aligned upon the vacant Chalice of Lord Stanley as Golden Knights fall; One man’s dream is another man’s nightmare, but a Dallas Stars’ dream is every team’s nightmare; By chilled sea they will be feared; Yet out of the Color Red shall carry an Avalanche; Knowing well a recent taste of fruit of the Cup, as the Moon is ahead; The heavens are drawn to balance, the ageless mountain never waivers
My Prediction: Avalanche in 7
Only eight teams left! Who will raise the Stanley Cup in June!
It’s time for the NHL Stanley Cup Playoffs Semifinals! But first let’s look at the lesson we learned in the Quarterfinals
The Carolina Hurricanes learned that the real treasure was the friends you made along the way. Unfortunately for them, the New York Rangers learned that the actual treasure is the Stanley Cup and to win it, it’s the goals you score along the way!
The Boston Bruins learned that Slow and steady is the pace, and so the tortoise wins the race. But Florida learned that fast skating and tight precise shooting is the answers, so the series goes to the Panthers!
The Colorado Avalanche learned that a heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others. However The Dallas learned that a hockey game is judged by how goals you score on others, and how much you’re not scored upon by others!
The Vancouver Canucks learned the there is No such thing as bad student, only bad teacher. Teacher say, student do. However Edmonton Oilers struck first, struck fast, and showed no mercy in proving a wrist shot beats Wax-on/Wax-off every time
On to the Semifinals! Here’s my predictions along with the divination of the Demons I conjured up playing Black Sabbath – Masters of Reality backwards
New York Rangers vs Florida Panthers
Side 1 Demon: Who dares awaken Al-Akakabreraazn! I am the Overlord of Side 1! I am the destroyer of galaxies! The conqueror of the enteral void! The defiler of chipmunks! Raphèl mai amècche zabì almi! I will rend your flesh and feed your mind to the endless abyss and as your soul withers in my infernal darkness the Panthers will win in 6 games! I demand sacrifice I demand chipmunks!
My prediction: Rangers in 7
Dallas Stars vs Edmonton Oilers
Side 2 Demon: Hey it me, David the Demon of side 2, but you can call me Dave. So the top-seeded Dallas Stars sure know how to make things dramatic, huh. They’ve got the goalscoring power, but I’m not so convinced about Oettinger in goal. Wow, the Canucks vs Oilers was one heck of a series wasn’t it! Edmonton has the offense in Connor Bedard, but the Oilers are also shaky in goal. I’m gonna say Edmonton Oilers in 7. Well, I gotta go, if you ever wanna hang you know how to reach me.
My prediction: Oilers in 6
We’re down to the last four! Who will advance to the Stanley Cup Finals!?
Now, let’s check out the PWHL Playoffs
Coming on May 8th to an Avocado near you!
The inaugural season of the PWHL has been great. It has proven that the league is in good hands both on ice and in the front office. The march to playoffs came right down to the wire, with New York and Ottawa missing out. The PWHL playoff format will consist of two rounds with the higher seed having home-ice advantage. First a best-of-five Semifinal and then best-of-five Final. The top seed overall PWHL Toronto gets to choose their first round opponent, PWHL Boston or PWHL Minnesota, and second seed PWHL Montreal gets the other. Who will win the historic Walter Cup?!
The PWHL Past is the PWHL Past
Toronto chose to play Minnesota. So lets preview the match-ups with my predictions I’ve also resurrected Paul the Octopus from the 2010 South Africa World Cup for his takes
PWHL Toronto vs PWHL Minnesota
They been atop the league for most of the season, led by the PWHLs top two goal scorers in Natalie Spooner and Sarah Nurse but will PWHL Toronto continue the proud Toronto tradition of playoff disappointment and failure, or will they rise to the occasion and start their own proud tradition of playoff disappointment and failure! PWHL Minnesota just barely made the playoffs thanks to Toronto beating Ottawa, but now the gloves are off, actually the gloves should be on, as Minnesota looks to repay the favor by knocking out their benefactors!
Paul the, resurrected, Octopus from the 2010 South Africa World Cup’s Prediction: Why would you bring me back to life! I was resting peacefully when… Oh no… Is that a vuvuzela I hear? Even in death they still ring in my ears! *sits on PWHL Minnesota in 5 Box*
My Prediction: PWHL Toronto in 3
They’ve been a mere step behind Toronto all season, but the hockey that PWHL Montreal plays is smoother than Barbara Streisand in a butter factory PWHL Boston has been up and down all season; just sneaking into the playoffs in their last game, but have definitely been on a roll late in the season. This should be a great series and the beginning of a great hockey rivalry!
Paul the, resurrected, Octopus from the 2010 South Africa World Cup’s Prediction: I told them Switzerland would beat Spain! I knew France and Italy would choke! I said New Zealand would go undefeated! How do they repay me?… Calamari! *sits on PWHL Montreal in 3 Box*
My Prediction: PWHL Montreal in 4
The PWHL Walter Cup Finals are here!
What is going on in the PWHL Playoffs?!? PWHL Boston swept aside heavily favored PWHL Montreal in one of the worst sporting failures in the City of a Hundred Steeples since the 1976 Olympics! So far in the playoffs Boston goalie Aerin Frankel has been a virtual wall and a physical one as well; even with extra time in every single game Montreal could barely solve her! If she’s in goal to stop it then PWHL Boston cannot be stopped!
PWHL Minnesota looked dead on the ice when down 2 games to 0 against top seeded PWHL Toronto, but then PWHL Toronto looked into the abyss and the Maple Leafs looked back at them! Minnesota came charging back winning three straight games; holding Toronto to only 1 goal in the three games, for the upset! Minnesota, led by top scorer Taylor Heise, have the goal scoring, and in Maddie Rooney the goal-tending to make the Finals an exiting series!
My prediction along with predictions of my new friend; Cassandra the Oracle of Troy!
Cassandra the Oracle of Troy prediction: Apollo! Apollo! Cast thy shadows! When like an archer Phaeton’s golden chariot rides across the sky through the sign of Taurus O Humans O Humans of PWHL Minnesota shall prevail in 5 games
My Prediction: Sorry, but I don’t believe you Cassandra… PWHL Boston in 4
Who will win the inaugural Walter Cup!
Where to Watch the PWHL Playoffs:
In Canada they’ll be on TSN.
In the U.S. and internationally Here’s the link to YouTube Live Stream Page