Hello. I would like to use this space to present several reasons why I, your friend JGoo, should be president of the Avocado. I’m aware this position doesn’t yet exist, but I believe that by the time I’ve explained the merits of my case, you will agree that I am the only person for the job.
My qualifications? Let’s see.
- I turned 43 today, which I think we can agree is the appropriate minimum age for such an important role.
- I grew up in New York’s capital district, home to American presidents Martin Van Buren and Chester Alan Arthur. I have visited both their graves, and each man solemnly whispered his endorsement to me as I pressed my ear to the cold marble.
- I took the initiative of creating the Frinkiac Challenge, a once-popular series of threads that some of you old-timers may actually remember.
- I am routinely considered among the least offensive of the degenerates in the Comic Strip Club.
- I almost always keep the J and the Goo in my username. In other words, I make no effort to mask my identity, either to shield myself from my throngs of loving fans or to distance myself from my semi-regular malaprops, farfetched claims, and poorly received attempts at humor.
- Maeby is my cat, a claim no other Guac can make.
- I am the only candidate who promises a Moxie in every pot and a Malort in every garage.
- I am the only candidate willing to make the principled but unpopular decision to not upvote Joey.
- I am the only candidate.
Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to seeing you at the polls at a time and place yet to be determined.