Let’s face it, as far as sugary breakfast cereals go, Alpha-Bits are kind of boring. The main gimmick is they are shaped like letters, which makes the cereal feel educational, and the last thing I want to do before I have to go to school is for my food to teach me something.

Of course, one reason Alpha-Bits may seem duller than other cereals is because they’ve never gotten a successful mascot off the ground, despite many attempts. One who probably would’ve been lost to time by now were it not for the internet is Alfie the Alpha-Bits Cereal Wonder Dog! Yes, his name is that needlessly long. And who names their dog “Alfie”?

Anyway, Alfie the Alpha-Bits Cereal Wonder Dog is a St. Bernard who loves hanging out with kids who are trying to eat their boring cereal, but is constantly threatened by–sighs–a character literally named Nasty McEvil, and if you want to know what his deal is, you’re never going to guess. His dastardly goal is to…steal letters from Alpha-Bits cereal so kids can’t spell their names. Yeah. He doesn’t even want to eat the cereal. He just…hates kids being able to spell, I guess.

Anyway, Nasty McEvil (but seriously, that’s his name) was no match for the powers of Alfie the Alpha-Bits Cereal Wonder Dog, who always foiled his plans and disposed of him in a comical way (including seeming to feed him to hungry lions in one commercial, because Alfie the Alpha-Bits Cereal Wonder Dog doesn’t fuck around!).

Have a lovely day, Avocados! And remember to eat a balanced breakfast!