Morning Politocadoes! And now we present

Victory!

Yes friends, didn’t you know?! Why, the Maximum Leader declared it himself! He has defeated ISIS (in Syria). That’s why he’s ordered a rapid withdrawal of all US troops! The announcement comes over Generalissimo Trump’s preferred form of communication Twitter. Yes, our boys are coming home, despite the cowardly confusion of Trump’s own cabinet and mountains of evidence that ISIS still in fact exists, Bashar Al-Assad is still in power, and Russian forces are poised to stabilize his authority. “Mad Dog” Mattis feebly offered that leaving now would only empower a comeback. Booshwah!

Trump administration plans to pull U.S. troops out of Syria immediately, officials say

Daddy Trump, with his quick wits and steely gaze has once again outwitted the enemies that surround him. Chairman of the Foreign Affairs Committee Senator Bob ‘Corky’ Corker was sitting in the White House waiting to meet with him about this bold decision the President made, but Trump canceled it at the last minute. Ho Ho! Genius! Hafta try harder next time there, Corky!

Trump abruptly cancels meeting with Bob Corker as he sits waiting at White House

Yes, facts be damned and the eggheads that come with him. Bold decisions are needed! Cold, distant Uncle President Vlad, whom somewhat vaguely reminds him of his father, believes in his decisions and that’s all he needs!

Elsewhere!

Russian Very Successful Businessman Oleg Deripaska Continues to be Sanctioned!

Despite the attempts of the Valiant Trump Administration, the Very Successful Businessman Oleg Deripaska remains sanctioned by the Treasury Department! Oleg is of course great friends with Patriot and Elite Super Spy Paul “The” Manafort .

https://home.treasury.gov/news/press-releases/sm576

House Speaker Paul Ryan Steps Down!

After a tenure of the three years as Speaker, Mr. Ryan decides to retire to rest on his laurels. His speech, self-aggrandizing and devoid of substance, reflects his legacy. The important thing is that he thinks that he did a good job! 

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