Pretty boring week it’s been, eh? In case you missed it, there’s been some movement in the Mueller investigation, and there’s a lot of jail-related talk going around. Seriously, do you know how HARD it is to get sent to prison as a rich white man? You have to be an Olympic-level crook for a judge and jury to even be thinking about it. A comic book villain. An irredeemable danger to society. In other words, a member of the Trump administration. Naturally then, several high-profile Trumpists are in the clink already, or heading there shortly. Others are being speculated about – who could be next to win a fully-furnished penitentiary penthouse?
Hopefully by the the end of this thread’s purview – that is, the weekend – all the figures I mention below have been hauled off to the hoosegow. Even if that doesn’t happen (yet!), here is a curated list of Trump-related villains with the big house potentially in their future.
Roger Stone – A proto-troll from an ancient time, Stone is one of the better examples of someone who got too close to Trump for his own safety. He would have been better off keeping his distance – if he had, he could have kept on with his obnoxious conspiracy theory gig for the rest of his life. But no, any campaign that comes along that openly lets people like Roger Stone near it, he can’t resist. Should have listened to Groucho Marx, talking about a very different situation, nonetheless applicable here: “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”
Julian Assange – Did you ever see The Terminal, starring Tom Hanks and directed by Steven Spielberg? If not, would you believe that those two guys teamed up to make an absolutely terrible movie? Because it’s really bad, and that just makes the metaphor even more suitable for Assange. A man is stuck in a building (airport terminal / Ecuadorian embassy in London) for a long time because he’s been put in a diplomatically weird position (government collapse leaves him with no passport or country / international shenanigans made a lot of enemies and a few friends), and then he’s forced to wait things out because he just can’t give up (trying to fulfill a promise to his late father / trying to avoid rape charges). And all of it is unpleasant to watch. Pictured: Stanley Tucci in The Terminal / Stanley Tucci evicting Julian Assange from the Ecuadorian embassy.
Jared Kushner – Dear old dad spent a year in the clink for basically the same thing that Jared is doing now, namely mixing business and politics in an illegal way. Bribery, as most of us define it, is basically legal in the US, so you can imagine how far you have to go before the courts say, “That’s just too much.” Ooh, how about using his connection to the presidency to (internationally, publicly, and repeatedly) solicit hundreds of millions of dollars for his real estate company? Think that’ll do it? That’s to say nothing of the billions of dollars in weapons sales to Saudi Arabia he’s involved in, because apparently that’s all very legal and very cool.
Donald Trump Jr – There’s good news and bad news and more bad news and then more good news here. The good news is, Uday Trump is so dumb that he’s probably going to be charged with doing lots of crimes. Bad news part 1 is, he’s one of the few people the President might actually risk looking bad to pardon, presuming the old man remembers who he is. Bad news part 2: That means he’ll be a free man running around shooting endangered animals, committing treason, and generally being a pain in the ass for years to come. But hey, good news again! He’ll always be incredibly stupid – so stupid that he probably thinks a presidential pardon gets him out of trouble for crimes he commits in the future too. Don’t work too hard trying to stay out of the slammer, Donnie. It is your destiny.
Donald Trump – Tough to predict the chances of seeing a perp walk from the final boss. On the one hand, just, all those crimes! THE CRIMES! On the other hand, he’s the President of the United States, and therefore he can do whatever he wants, according to the President of the Unites States. He can even spend his free time fantasizing on Twitter about his enemies going to prison, including his own Technically Attorney General. Who does that?! Besides me, that is, but like I said, THE CRIMES!
On that note, don’t threaten Mayor McSquirrel or anyone else. Otherwise, comment away!
I’m sure nothing notable will happen between now, which is Friday night, and tomorrow morning. Time to hit the ol’ publish button!