Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of September 4. This will be my final one of these recaps for The Avocado. I’ll still be around, but it’s time for me to step away from the column. Thanks to @mrslangdonalger for getting me into this. It’s been great fun for the last two years, and I extend my immense thanks to everyone for reading and commenting.
You can listen to this week’s episode and read this week’s Savage Love column.
Dan’s opening rant is about a study that asked whether cis people are open to dating trans folks. The study found that 87.5% of cis people would not be open to dating someone who is trans. Gay people were more likely than straight people to be dating to dating a trans person. Everyone is framing this as bad news and a sign of trans discrimination, but Dan points out that 12.5% of cis people is a bigger population than, say, the population of men willing to date men. Compared to that, the results aren’t so bad. And that number has to be higher than it was even ten years ago.
On to the calls! A woman’s mother died in December of last year, and her husband of 35 years started dating in January or February. Now he wants to bring his new girlfriend to Christmas. Our caller’s brother and sister are saying that if dad brings his new girlfriend, they won’t come. Our caller is siding with her siblings – is this selfish? Dan acknowledges the difference between the grieving process between children for parents and spouses. If the spouse was sick for a long time, the other spouse and grieve the loss and change of the relationship before the spouse dies. Dan thinks the children are being unfair. If this Christmas seems too fraught, take this Christmas off the table. But meet with dad’s new girlfriend before then. The children need to show dad that they will be ready to acknowledge where he is.
A straight man was buying ties and hitting on the woman working there. He thought things were going well, but he asked her for her number, and in front of everyone, she said, “Nice try.” It was embarrassing for our caller. Shouldn’t there be some consideration for the fragile male ego? Dan tells him to suck it up. How would he have liked for it to go down? It was a courteous and direct rejection, which is exactly what she should have done. Quit your pity party. Man, this guy was a bummer. Hit on someone at work and then whine because she rejected you? Sit down, dude.
What’s the safest way to sext? There is no 100% safe way to sext, no matter how you do it, because once it’s out there, even on something like Snapchat, it can be used for anything. You have to trust the other person. We’re still at the stage where, if you don’t want the picture out on the internet, the safest course is not to do it at all. Dan acknowledges that sexting is becoming more and more integral to dating and relationships and looks forward to the time when the leaking of these photographs isn’t a big deal anymore. As Dan says, “Who wants to live in a world where you can’t send somebody you’re interested in a picture of your junk?”
A 27-year-old bi woman has been with her male partner for two years. He’s always been okay with her dating women during their relationship. She hadn’t done that, but she wants to start to reclaim that part of her queer identity. But she’s scared of talking to women now, feels gross and creepy when she does, and has no idea how to start. Help! Dan wonders why she feels gross and creepy. If it’s because she’s not being honest and direct, stop that. Get on the apps and be honest about what you’re looking for. Maybe you can seek other bi women in straight relationships who are in the same boat you are – Dan thinks they’re everywhere.
A 27-year-old queer man broke up with his girlfriend of four years two years ago. She was homesick and moved back to her hometown. After almost no contact post-breakup, they have started talking to each other again and recently went on a one-night camping trip together. There, they picked up where they left off, including calling each other the old nicknames and the best sex they’ve ever had. Now, still in separate cities, they talk multiple times per week and tell each other they love each other. When he talks about building a future together with her, though, she gets overwhelmed. What should our caller do? Dan thinks our caller should be honest with his feelings, but also take things slow at this point. For our caller’s own safety, though, he should be totally honest about what he wants out of this relationship now, so he understands if she feels the same way before investing any more time in this.
A woman has a question about her first really serious boyfriend, with whom she lives. It has just come out that he has slept with all of his close female friends. This doesn’t really bother our caller, but what bothers her is that her boyfriend has made it clear that their acceptance of our caller is really important to him. Is she being a big baby about this, or was it wrong for him to expect our caller to enter these relationships with the friends without knowing the whole story? Welcome to Gay World, says Dan, where this happens all the time. Dan says the boyfriend was being a little deceitful. But how would she have reacted if he had been upfront about it? If our caller really likes this guy, this may be something that she’s able to forgive.
Dan sits down to talk with Guy Branum, who has a new memoir, My Life As a Goddess. Guy talks about the gay voice and the universality of pop culture in gay culture. Dan hypothesizes that gay men love pop culture because it’s an escape from the trappings of a life that can be suffocating. Guy stays on to take some calls.
A 26-year-old gay cis man hooked up with a guy who had the most amazing ass he’d ever seen, but found out through play that it was fake. Can he ask about his butt implants? Guy says you need to know someone relatively well before you ask, “So, who’s your doctor?” Guy also thinks the caller’s revulsion at the butt implants is familiarity, as Guy finds it difficult to be aroused by anyone who he knows by first and last name.
A man’s wife figured out she was gay while she was pregnant, and they are now separated. The caller has been seeing a woman for a year and wants to take her to a family wedding. The issue is that nobody in the caller’s family knows that the wife is gay, and the wife wants to keep it that way. She wants to use the cover story that the separation was caused by “intimacy issues.” Can he tell the truth about why the marriage fell apart? Dan and Guy agree that our caller is entitled to his life experience. Dan suggests giving the wife a time limit such as a year, after which he gets to tell his truth.
A straight guy was caught being on the dating apps by his girlfriend of two years. He takes responsibility for it. He downloaded it during a fit of depression, talked to three people and didn’t meet with anyone, and deleted it a couple days later. But, during the time he was on it, one of the girlfriend’s friends saw him and told her about it. Now the girlfriend wants to know how she can be sure that he won’t do this again, and he doesn’t know how to answer that. Dan thinks the girlfriend should take the caller back, because he wouldn’t define this as cheating per se. That said, Dan doesn’t buy the whole “self-medication for depression with dating apps” explanation and thinks the caller is trying to portray himself as a victim. It’s a cover story for maybe a scarier truth – that the caller wanted confirmation of his attractiveness from outside the relationship. If the self-medication story is legit, then he needs to tell his girlfriend what he’s going to do to medicate more effectively, whether through therapy or whatever else. If, however, he knows that he needs affirmation by flirting, he needs to be open with her about that, because he is going to do it again and he is going to get caught again.
A 23-year-old woman discovered masturbation at a very young age, but she can’t come with a partner. She requires intense stimulation to a particular spot, and guys, though on a mission to make her come, don’t work as hard as they could. How does she make this happen? Dan calls back. He wonders if she’s ever masturbated with a guy. She says no, it never occurred to her. She’s scared to let go and dictate what she wants. Dan orders her to dictate: the guy wants her to tell him what to do! She says masturbation in front of other people freaks her out, because it’s been a private activity for so long. Dan returns to advice he’s given before: take it in steps. Masturbate with him in the house, but not in the room. Masturbate with him by the door. Masturbate with him in the room but not looking. Masturbate with him beside you but blindfolded. Each step will reinforce that masturbation is something you can do together. Dan asks how many guys she’s been with, and she estimates 20. “Well, that’s an ambitious weekend for some guys I know!” exclaims Dan, before composing himself and saying it’s not bad for a straight girl.
Caller feedback! Doctors are required to choose entries in the records from a menu of options. To keep from getting too emotionally attached, try dating multiple people at once. A woman didn’t like to give blowjobs until she got a lesson about how to use her hands while giving one from her gay boyfriend.
Thanks for reading.
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