Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of August 14. How have you been getting your rocks off recently? Got any ethical porn or awesome erotica you’ve been digging? Spill it in the comments!
You can listen to this week’s episode or read this week’s Savage Love column.
Dan’s opening rant is about an attack, being investigated as a hate crime, on a man with a turban that happened last week. If you’ve been paying attention, you might guess that the victim was an American citizen who is Sikh, not a Muslim. The twist is that the victim was putting up campaign signs for a Trumpy Republican in California. Dan wonders if the victim is aware of the Trump administration’s war on non-white immigration. The administration’s white supremacist policies would try to do through law what the victim’s attackers tried to do through vigilantism. Ultimately, though, the victim told reporters that he will continue to support the GOP.
On to the calls! Trigger warning (sexual assault) for this one. A 28-year-old cis woman wants insight on a situation that happened 10 years ago. When she was 18, she was at a party and passed out drunk in a bedroom. When she came to, she was in another bedroom and her brother’s 30-year-old friend was already penetrating her with his fingers. He asked if this was okay, and she, still sort of out of it, responded something like “yeah, okay.” He proceeded to have sex with her, during which she cried the whole time. The next day he gave her a high five. Our caller has been reckoning with this recently. Was this sexual assault or rape? Should she confront this person, who she still sees semi-regularly? Dan says there’s no question it’s rape, and that’s reason enough to tell this person to go fuck himself. What little verbal assent she gave was not enough to overcome the situation of being penetrated while unconscious. Only a piece of shit rapist would fuck a drunk girl 12 years younger than he is while she cries the whole time. She can blow up at him, she can tell everyone in her life what he did to her and, though it’s probably outside the statute of limitations, she can file a police report. Most of all, she doesn’t have to play nice with this person and pretend what he did was okay.
A bachelorette party etiquette question: Is it okay for a group of women to go to a sit-down drag show for a bachelorette party? How about if it’s in Canada? Dan talks about the history of gay bars banning bachelorette parties, most of which have been rescinded since marriage equality became the law of the land. For some people, bitching about the bachelorette parties at a drag show has become an integral part of the experience. If you’re concerned whether you’re welcome at the show, call ahead. Dan again states his objection to the concept of bachelor and bachelorette parties, arguing that they reinforce a dangerous idea that once you’re married, all fun stops.
A 30-something man and his bi mid-20s girlfriend had a special guest star over last night. Penetrative sex was off the table because the guest star had a UTI. He noticed something funky when he went down on her, which he chalked up to the UTI. After she left, they discovered that she peed everywhere, through the sheets and comforter. Our caller is convinced that she peed on him deliberately (that’s a kink of hers). Should they confront her? Dan says the first thing to do is wash your sheets, flip your mattress, and take the comforter to the dry cleaner (the comforter, contrary to Dan’s remark, can probably just be washed in a large washer, and doesn’t have to be dry cleaned). Dan has lots of questions about what went down. Women with UTIs usually aren’t up for any kind of sex, and oral sex is typically about as painful as penetrative sex in that sense. Maybe she was on the tail end of a UTI, or maybe she wanted penetrative sex off the menu for a different reason. Dan also doesn’t think the guest star peed everywhere while our caller was going down on her – he probably would have noticed. Dan thinks she peed while the other two were distracted. Why? Because she’s an asshole. If they want to contact her again, they can say that what she did wasn’t cool and even send her a bill (good luck collecting on that).
A 23-year-old queer woman has only dated women for the last 2.5 years, since she broke up with a man whose interactions with her straddled the line between coercion and assault. She really feels fulfilled dating women. She is still attracted to men, but has a hard time approaching them, both because she’s concerned for her safety and because she’s worried about diminishing her queer community status. How would Dan proceed? Dan acknowledges the stereotype that some women become lesbians because they hate or fear men. What actually happens, though, which is what happened to our caller, is that lesbians and bi women have shitty relationships with men. Dan thinks she needs to set her concerns about her status in the lesbian community aside and allow herself to own her occasional craving for dick. Bi people belong in queer spaces, and bi people are going to have to assert themselves to secure that right that they should have already. As for the concern about men, that they might be abusers, that is valid. The best you can do there is vet extensively and listen to your friends. Pay attention to how he talks about his exes – if everyone he’s ever dated is a bitch, you’re going to get called a bitch too when things aren’t going well.
A 26-year-old, assigned female at birth, lesbian, presents between androgynous and high femme, uses she/her, has been questioning her gender identity. To the world, she’s a woman, but she doesn’t feel like that captures her full identity. If she could create her own body, she would have a woman’s physique but men’s genitalia. She’s never heard of anyone with this particular fantasy. Dan gets letters like this every so often. A strap-on is the best she can do for now, short of a full phalloplasty. Our caller is going to have to live with this unresolved tension. Enjoy the contradictions of this rather unique gender identity.
Erika Moen from Oh Joy Sex Toy is on to recommend another sex toy. Erika has not personally used this particular sex toy, but her husband has, and she recommends it to anyone who has a penis. It’s a Flip Zero, from Tenga, a masturbation sleeve. You stick your dick in, and it feels good. Dan asks if this makes Erika jealous, and she says it doesn’t. They talk about the particulars of this product, which includes the ability to open it up and see the material inside. It’s available from Tenga, sex stores, and other retailers – if you do buy from Amazon, please use a charity or affiliate link to give some of the money to a good cause.
A late-30s straight woman, after trying all sorts of arrangements, has realized she just wants a monogamous relationship with one man. She’s been in a relationship with the love of her life for 3 years. They have had ups and downs, but they are building a life together and trying for kids. Last year, while at their low point, they each cheated on each other. After this, they forgave each other and moved on with clear rules. At least, she thought so: he refused sex for a while because it was “too painful,” continued to bring up the affair and forced our caller to throw away her lingerie. Two months ago, he started watching gay porn, saying he wanted to connect with his sexuality in a way that wouldn’t bring up past trauma. He then paid a male sex worker for mutual masturbation. He is finally in therapy, but won’t admit he’s bi. What should she do? Dan, apoplectic, says this makes no sense. Stop trying to make a baby with this asshole. This man is unhinged, and it will get worse. Get as far away from this man as you can, and if you want to be a parent, go to a sperm bank.
A woman’s friend was recently diagnosed with genital herpes. The friend hooked up with someone last night, for the first time since the diagnosis, and although she’s on medication and used condoms, she didn’t tell him she had herpes. Is this bad? Dan is conflicted on this. Dan reiterates his opinion that people with multiple partners sign up for HPV in a way, and for most people it’s not a big deal. The freakout about herpes is likely to be greater than the actual harm caused by it. That said, Dan comes down on the side of disclosure. Dan would rather face the anxiety of disclosure before sex than the worry of discovery afterward.
A cis lesbian wants to know how to deal with her partner’s family, who refuses to accept her. Dan turns the tables around and wonders why the partner hasn’t cut off her family yet. If your family doesn’t treat you and your partner with respect, refuse to see them and tell them why.
A 32-year-old man is married with 3 kids and he’s accepted that he’s bi. How does he tell his wife? Dan calls back. He wants to know how our caller came to this realization. Our caller acknowledges that he kind of always knew, but pushed it down. He would wonder why he wanted to punch attractive men. Dan then wants to know if our caller has ever acted on his desires; he hasn’t. Dan then gets to the hard part – telling the wife. Turns out our caller has now done that. She was confused and bewildered, but not upset. She wanted to know what that would mean for their commitment, which he doesn’t know yet. Dan asks our caller what he wants. He wants his wife to know who he is. Dan points out that she might justifiably be wondering if this alters the monogamous commitment they have. As of right now, nothing else needs to happen except for continued open communication. Live the monogamous lifestyle now to reassure her that her newly-out bi husband won’t throw the family away just to get some dick. Dan puts in his plug for nonmonogamy two or five or ten years down the road.
A cis straight man just started dating a queer woman. She has mostly dated women to this point, and has done poly stuff. Does Dan have any tips? The caller has already done one important thing, which is make clear that he wants to see this woman in a romantic way. But as for a list of dos and don’ts, Dan can’t give that. He recommends some reading – “Many Love” and “Opening Up” for the poly aspect of it. But only she can provide the answers about what she wants from a man in her relationship.
A woman likes dating, but stops liking guys after she has sex with them for the first time. The longest relationship she had was with a man for three years, during which they never had sex until the end, after which she refused to be engaged. What’s the deal? Dan wonders if this distresses our caller. Knowing what she knows about herself, though, Dan thinks it’s unfair for her to allow any other men to become invested in her the way that poor ex-boyfriend was. Dan thinks this is a problem, and armchair psychologists his way to internalized sex shame and sex negativity. But this is something that our caller will want to talk over with a therapist.
A woman has been divorced for 2.5 years, but she has started having sex with her ex again. Her parents threatened to disown her if she got back together with this guy, but our caller thinks it’s fine if they don’t tell their families or their kids and just keep it on a sex level (they divorced because they were “financially incompatible”). Is she right? Sure, says Dan, she can have sex with whoever she wants, but her parents can do what they want with the will. The forbiddenness might even make the sex hotter, so go for it.
A 35-year-old Oklahoma woman’s coworkers believe that swingers advertise that fact by putting pineapples (or maybe white rocks) on their front stoop. Is this true? For hundreds of years, Dan says, pineapples were used by rich people to symbolize wealth and hospitality in their home decoration. Urban Dictionary says that an upside-down pineapple in front of a house is a sign that a swingers’ party is underway, but Dan doesn’t put much purchase in it. He compares this to the urban legend of male earrings in the 70s.
Caller feedback! The girl who got ghosted was probably the other woman the entire time, and the petty thing to do is contact the girlfriend through Instagram. Supportive churches advertise that fact on their website. The guy who wants strong women should go find a farm girl.
Thanks for reading.
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