Hey there, and welcome to your Savage Lovecast recap and review for the week of May 29. Let’s get to it.
You can listen to this week’s episode here, and you can read this week’s Savage Love column here.
Dan’s opening rant was going to be about North Bend High School, which had a rash of harassment of gay students that was ignored by administration. But there’s already been a happy ending, because the administrators responsible for the inaction and denigration of gay students have been removed, thanks to the ACLU. So instead he pivots to a common question he gets – how to keep the spark alive in long-term relationships? Dan’s standard answer is to have sexual adventures together, just like Dan and Terry are currently on.
On to the calls! A bi married woman has a friend group with lots of couples. One of the unmarried couples recently shoved his girlfriend at a party. He was off his meds, but he promised to get back on them and go back to therapy, and she decided to stay in the relationship. How does our caller stay supportive when she sees what he did as abusive? Dan says there’s a mitigating circumstance here with the mental health issues. Is there a pattern of abuse? If not, then it’s not irrational for the friend to agree to stay in the relationship conditionally. You support the man and the woman by holding them to those conditions, that he take care of his mental health and never hurt her again, and she kicks him out if he does.
A straight man is deaf in one ear, and he likes it when his ear gets kissed or licked or bitten. Is this fetishization of the source of a disability common? Dan thinks it’s more likely that it’s a coincidence, because lots of people enjoy having their ear licked or kissed or bitten. The fact that the guy is deaf in one ear is correlation, not causation.
A 27-year-old woman is in a monogamous relationship with her boyfriend of a year and a half. Her boyfriend revealed he was bi and wanted to suck a cock every once in a while with her. It took a while, but finally our caller opened up to the idea of a threesome and exploring facets of her own sexuality. Our caller also has now realized she’s bi. He’s excited and wants to explore things with other couples. She wants to go fuck women on her own before diving into group sex. What to do? Dan says there are couples who consider group play together to be in line with monogamy. If she wants to deviate from that, she needs to be completely honest with him, just as he was with her. He might be totally fine with letting her explore that part on her own.
A cis woman has a male best friend of over 15 years. She wants to keep him as a friend, ultimately. She’d like to sleep with him, because she’s in a dry spell right now, but she knows that he gets tied up emotionally in sex. Recently, they were both drunk and at her place, and she masturbated in front of him. Now she’s afraid to talk to him, fearing she’s crossed a line. “Well hello Louise C.K.!” says Dan. The issue here is the imbalance – he wants a relationship with her, but she could take or leave him. She hurt him, and she should feel awkward about it. She needs to apologize.
A lesbian doesn’t want to date trans women who have penises. Is she transphobic? Dan goes back to the argument made by Evan Urquhart that, in addition to gayness and straightness and everything in between there, some people are phallophiles or vaginaphiles. There’s no shame in this, argued Urquhart, as long as it doesn’t come from a place of ignorance or hate.
A man and his wife are monogamous with the occasional Tinder threesome with women. Now that they’re getting older, they’re finding their threesome partners at poly meetups. How do they reject people they’ve talked to but who they’re not attracted to? Also, how do they keep from getting into fights over their women-only policy? To the first question, wait for the pass to deflect it, says Dan. Giving out your phone number does not necessarily have to indicate anything more. To the second point, the issue is that the caller and wife are going to couples events, where the expectation seems to be playing as couples. Dan says, dubiously, that there are plenty of single bi women looking to play with couples, and our caller should go find them. Remember when those people were called unicorns?
A young-30s male professional has been living with his girlfriend for two years. Most of the people in the neighborhood do not speak English. The landlord told our caller that people can hear the bed creaking and squeaking when they have sex. How does our caller find a quiet bed? Dan, like me, is confused why our caller mentioned that nobody speaks English. Dan doesn’t guess, but I’m going to guess that the caller mentioned it to explain why his landlord, and not his neighbors, told him about this issue. A mattress on the floor is quiet, Dan says, and so is a solid-platform bed. Or they could just fuck in the shower.
A gay guy has just opened things up with his partner, and he’s surprised at how many guys are barebacking nowadays. PrEP is making things safer when it comes to HIV, Dan says, but gay and bi men are not making the same risk analysis for other STIs. If you want to make condom use mandatory, make it mandatory, and most guys will comply.
Dan invites on another advice columnist for a second opinion. This time, it’s Brandy Jensen, a social media editor for The Outline and author of the new column Ask a Fuckup. The first question comes from a mid-30s woman who has been dating a guy for three weeks. He encouraged her to reach out to women in his hobby who have accused him of violating their consent. The new guy’s roommate has also told her to call him if she wants to know all the fucked-up things the new guy has done, and the new guy wants to hear what the roommate will say. The new guy wants our caller to be his investigator, but our caller doesn’t want the drama and just wants to judge him based on how he treats her. Both Dan and Brandy are struck by how hung up the caller is at just three weeks. She doesn’t know him at all. Brandy says she shouldn’t spend another minute with him. Dan lays it out: what’s more likely, that everyone in his life is irrationally out to get him, or he’s an asshole? If people are getting you involved in their conflicts at three weeks, run!
A mid-30s man calls to say his mother has been checking his late-30s formerly drug addict brother’s Facebook messages. Despite our caller’s advice to her to quit it, she keeps on doing it. Should our caller tell his brother? He doesn’t want to make an already strained relationship worse. Brandy says yes. Dan agrees, pointing out that maybe this particular beehive needs to be shaken.
A 30-year-old queer woman eloped with her husband a year ago. She lists the red flags she’s noticed and asks if she’s in a controlling relationship. Things are generally good, and he’s helped her through some tough times, including when she was trying to get away from her ex. But the husband will shut down after any criticism, threatened to steal her dog when she was drinking with coworkers (which he knew her ex did to her too), and didn’t disclose that he was a sperm donor to a friend and that he filed his taxes separately. Is she a fool? Brandy thinks our caller is jumping from one hasty decision to another. Brandy would try therapy to see if there’s a way to talk to her husband. Dan would leave right away. The threats to steal the dog to keep her from socializing, he says, is the kind of thing that will only escalate with time. Brandy is convinced by Dan’s argument.
A 29-year-old man was at an emo pop punk club the other night, where he met this girl. He recently asked her if she wanted to go get a coffee or a drink. She asked if it was a date, and he panicked and said that it was just as friends. Should he have been more forward and said it was a date? Dan calls back. Our caller went on the non-date date in the meantime, and they had a great time even though they got a little too drunk and stoned. Dan asks if they’re dating now, and our caller says casually. They’ve hooked up. Zooming out, Dan says to tell the truth when you’re asked if you’re asking people out. Our caller has anxiety, as may be evident. Dan reminds him that the most hurtful thing is to go on an outing with someone who says they’re a friend, but realizing they secretly want a relationship.
A woman has been friends with this guy for three years, texting just about every day. Last year, she took a trip to his city, where they kissed and held hands, but their friendship didn’t change. Two months ago, he flaked on a weekend trip to see her. Since then, he stopped talking to her, not even checking on her when she was in the hospital for three days. Why would he do this? She wants to send an email to get closure. If it makes you feel better, says Dan, send that email. It’s unlikely that he will respond, and she will need to accept that this relationship is over.
Caller feedback! A woman’s aunt regretted getting breast replacement surgery. A bi lady who hates period sex has a girlfriend who loves period sex, so she knows it’s not for everyone. The woman who doesn’t eat pork is simply smarter than everyone else around her. The woman who doesn’t eat pork should get a pig for a pet and name it Anthony.
Thanks for reading.
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